#me: a tragedy about not being able to say goodbye got it

[glitchedmagic]

@theminecraftbee ‘s ficlets about Decked Out eating Tango have been living in my head rent free so here’s a little post-do thing of my own.

-

“The server resets tonight.”

It’s been just over two months since Decked Out finished. Just over two months since anyone has seen or heard from Tango.

Zed knows what happened. Not the details. And he certainly couldn’t explain it to anyone else. But he knows.

And the gnawing feeling of guilt has kept him coming back to the dungeon. Every day.

Decked Out is asleep. Zed can walk through the citadel without a desperate need to throw himself to the ravengers. He can even wander below, into the redstone, without being electrocuted to death. Maybe it’s dead, but Zed doubts it. He knows it’s just sleeping. Eventually, it will wake up. It will be hungry and will lure whoever enters this world into its depths.

Maybe that’s when Tango will wake up too.

Zed won’t be here to see it.

“Who knows when you’ll be able to eat again?”

His voice is quiet but he knows the whole dungeon can hear him. He plays with the clasp on his gas mask. Tango’s storage room, where he lays on the dusty floor, has enough oxygen flowing through it still to allow him to breathe without the mask, though he’s already getting a bit of a headache. He’ll put the mask back on soon. Eventually.

“One last snack?”

He’s offered the dungeon himself hundreds of times these past few months. As a player, when it was live, hoping to spark a bit of his friend’s life back into him. Then after. Hoping for something. For a glimpse of flickering blue flame and wide eyes that had long since given up pretending to see.

There’s quiet.

There’s so much guilt in the quiet.

Don’t worry, Zed. Just a few months. Not too big of a project.

All good here. With level one done, the rest will go a lot quicker.

Yeah, level three got away from me a bit. Level four will be smaller, don’t worry.

Audio needed to be reworked, you know how it is. Soon.

Just tired, lost track of time last night.

Not too much longer now.

Don’t worry, I’ll be back to normal when the game’s done. Promise.

Did Tango know he was lying?

Zed is well aware that what he’s doing isn’t good for him. It’s ironic, how Tango pulled away from everyone, to eventually disappear in this cave. And now Zed’s doing the same thing.

It was always Tango pulling Zed out. Into the sun for a stupid game or a ridiculous project.  So it makes sense that without him, Zed can’t bring himself to leave the hole.

“I could break more redstone.” Zed offers the dungeon. “Really get you mad.”

He’d done that. About two weeks after Decked Out went dormant. He hadn’t gotten a reaction at the time. But the next day, everything was repaired.

That had spurred Zed into doing a stakeout. Break some stuff, sit and wait until the dungeon brought Tango out to fix it.

Zed had died down in the redstone, waiting. It hadn’t been a pleasant death.

That’s when Impulse had stepped in, staging his own intervention. But all it had done is make Zed feel more guilty.

An intervention for the guy who failed to do an intervention when Tango needed it most.

See? Ironic.

His head is starting to pound. He puts his mask back on.

“I want my friend back, you stupid castle,” He says through the mask. The dungeon understands him anyways.

He won’t be getting Tango back. He’s known that for much longer than he can admit.

Time passes. His phone dings a few times. It’s just the others. Making preparations. The server resets in just a few hours.

“Was it worth it?” Zed asks. “Not you, dumb dungeon. I’m asking Tango. Was it worth it? Did you make this choice? Did you know the consequences?”

Silence.

“Did you ever consider saying goodbye?”

The thing is? Tango was saying goodbye. In the only way he could. It was in the heartfelt artifacts crafted for each hermit. It was in his own voice, echoing words throughout the dungeon long after his own voice left him. It was in every ounce of the game.

None of them saw it until it was too late.

Zed stands. He has to be at spawn soon. He has stuff to pack. He has his own hole in the ground to say goodbye to.

He takes the long way out. Up into the main room of the citadel.

There’s a small part of him that hopes to see a glint of Tango. That’s what’s supposed to happen, right? A little wisp of blue fire. A soft voice. A gust of wind blowing a loose piece of paper across the floor. Something he can look at and be comforted by.

Nothing happens.

Zed knows that Tango’s gone.

He stands at the door. It’s open just a crack, just like he left it.

The night is clear.

“Goodbye, Tango.”

[ririblogsss]

what if Danny give no fu-ks

Ok hear me out, Dannys obsession has never truest been confirmed by the show itself (that I remember) I've seen a lot of people say his obsession comes from wanting to help / protect people. But what if he feels as though that he is now doing more damage than good, after all there are a lot of people getting hurt as colateral damage from the chases he has to go on. Or simply when he has to run away from getting captured.

What if one night he was up late and saw a post about a tragedy that happened because he slipped up (it wasn't even his fault, but he still blames himself for everything). And then he starts looking at all the bad comments against him ignoring all the good ones saying how much Danny Phantom has helped Amity. Because Danny is still human and confirmation bias is real. Imagine how he felt the moment he realized that he was causing people to get hurt instead of keeping them save.

Image the desperation clawing at him with the realization that he has never been able to fully manage his obsession. it makes him sad, desperate, angry.

His entire self is filled with too many emotions at the sametime he isn't even able to identify them and catalogue them properly like Jazz taught him.

and then everything stops and he feels nothing.

Completely and utterly numb.

Like his whole reason to keep going suddenly disappears.

And it has.

He gave up on his obsession and now he has to make / get a new one.

But it's not that easy.

This drastic change could've ended any ghost as they run on (live off) emotions.

Luckily because he's a Halfa, so that has given him the upper hand. Unfortunately it makes it so that he is completely devoid of any emotion.

Months go by and people immediately notice changes, the more drastic one is that Phantom went missing, and eventually a lot of ghost that where coming in looking for him stop. Amity Park is no longer populated by ghosts, and slowly the GIW started to retreat from Amity going to another place following a lead that says there are more ghost activities up north.

But those changes aren't the only ones noticeable. Dannys classmates and teachers can vouch that Danny has changed. Most say he was always quite , and others say he looked down right depressed. Danny didn't do much in classes not that he paid attention before. Its just this time it seems that its not out of being sleepy or anxious about another ghost attacking the school instead Danny looks like he coundn't give less of a fu-k about anything.

He never smiles anymore not even when his favorite subjects (mechanics and space) are brought up. Not even a quirk of a smile. The school decided to contact his parents about Dannys new behaviors. That includes skipping classes, not handing in work, not doing the assigned work in class ect....

And its not like his parents havent noticed, they've had more time in their hands since they aren't using hours of the day/night going out hunting anymore. and they have witnessed their son become a shell of himself. They don't know what to do, and they don't want to worry Jazz about it because she's at collage and needs to focus on her studies.

So when the school contact them and told them that the behavior is the same in school they decided major changes needed to happen. Starting with a change of environment.

Maddie and Jack decided that Amity park was too big of a city with too many people. They could nearly see the stars at night because of the light pollution, hence they decided to move next door to Alicia, Maddie sister, home in SmallVille.

They decided it was the best choice, Danny would be surrounded by nature and he could do online classes that would go the pace he wanted. The move was immediate, the day off they packed everything sold the house and moved.

They only stopped to say goodbye to Danny's friends. A small bye and hug later they were on a 7 hour road trip to their new home.

When they got there the old resident handed them the keys of the home and told them to ignore the their neighbors 'The Kents' as they often made a lot of noice and had group gatherings every month.

The one thing Jack and Maddie forgot to double check was if the house was an actual house or a farm house. Sounds similar, but completely different as they now had 2 cows, 16 chickens, 1 rooster, and 3 pigs to take care off.

Danny was put on duty of taking care of the animals, such as feeding them on time and making sure they were healthy. Jack and Maddie made more of the heavy weight as to re building broken fences and fixing the questionable roof.

(The first thing Danny did when meeting all the animals was name them. After all this was about all the interaction he was going to do.)

Danny didn't have time to think about his lost obsession or his lack of emotions as he was now too busy making sure each animal was taken care off.

Marcy and linda (the cows) were danny's favorite they were very gentle and he felt that they could understand him when he spoke to them the stories of his vigilante past.

On the other hand The Chickens were a nightmare, Glinda was cool as she never chased him down. But Matilda and Bethany were a nightmarish duo spiteful too when he was seconds late to the finding time. Mark the rooster was chill he mainly acted as of he was part of the group that needed protection.

Marice, Betty, and Miss Piggy were the chillest of the bunch never gave Danny any trouble when feeding them and always made a point that they loved their new mudbath installation that Danny made for them on his first 2 days on the farm.

A month after arriving at the farm house Danny noticed that mark was missing. Danny looked everywhere around the property and saw him from afar, at the road. So Danny did the sensible thing anyone would do when spotting a run away pet, and that is call their name at the top of your lungs whilst running after them.

naturally Mark the escape artist run the opposite direction. By the time Danny caught up to him Danny didn't recognize the house he was infant off. So with Mark comfortably in his arms He swears he can see a smug look on marks face. Danny turned away from the house to start his walk back to the farm, but he was met with a kid his age looking at him with distrust.

"Ehhh look kid Im sorry to have crossed the properties border but Mark here" Danny made a point to acentuate Mark in his arms "Runaway from me this morning and I've been trying to catch him ever since, anyways I need to go feed the girls"

The kid starred at him for a second "OMG your from the new family in Mr.duncans farm right? in Aver ST.?" and wow the kid was like a ray of sunshine.

"Yea-" Danny could even finish his sentence before the kid cut him off by starting to talk a mile a minute about how he was so exited to meet people his age that lived near by and how farm chores were harder that normal house chores.

"Jon, give him time to respond. Im Damian this is Jon" Danny jumped he hadn't noticed the second kid at all

"Oh yeah... sorry about that what's your name?" The kid (Jon) slightly less enthusiasm, a bit embarrassed if his tone of voice was anything to get by.

"Danny, Im 15" he responded before he started walking away after all he did need to get in time to feed the chickens unless he wants to suffer their furry. Danny shuddered at the memory that popped up in his head.

"Wait!!! I just thought we could be friends cause we live close by u know" Jon said catching up with Dannys steps. Damian was following from behind.

"Sure kid I don't care" Dannys voice was monotone much like it had been for months.

"Hey were not kids for your information, Im 14 and Damians 16 soon to be 17, so if anything you night be the actual kid!" Danny chuckled slightly it was more similar to releasing air from his lips than a laugh.

Soon a quite and enjoyable science encompassed the group as they went to Dannys home.

"Hmm... you're hold on Mark is adequate and the your determination for getting home in time for feeding is acceptable" Damian spoke up after a while of the passive silence.

"yeah and what is It to you" Danny was slightly urked by Damians default setting speach. He told him as such.

Jon blanched before erupting into giggles that sent him to lay down on the grass uncontrollably laughing. Damians right eyebrow quirked up in what Danny assumed was amusement.

Thus a new friendship grew that day.

They often gathered at Dannys or Jons yard to have picnic in the weekends (as Damian and Jon has school in Metropolis on week days) and hangout with the animals. Danny found out that Damian was a vegetarian and that he had various animals at home. One time he brought his Great Dane Titus, who bodied Danny on sight to give him kisses.

Also Damian was Damian Wayne as in bruce Wayne, Batman sugar daddy. When he said that, Jons milk flew out of his nose and Damian choked on his cucumber wrap. Even Titus gave him a judgemental stare.

Slowly Danny started to smile more, laugh every so often. And things were feeling so much better after not being able to feel anything for a while.

Jazz, Aunt Alicia and especially Maddie and Jack felt so relived to see that Danny was slowly coming back to them.

Danny to this day backs the fact that Mark knew something and planned the whole thing.

[sdr2lovemail]

Could you write something about Sun and Moon being irritated/jealous that they can't kiss the reader (the maintenance worker one) with their mouths like a human can so the reader shows them about all the other ways to kiss? Like kissing Sun's hand up his arm to his cheek until he is giggling so loudly Vanessa thinks he's gone off his rocker, or gently kissing Moon's forehead all the way down to where his heart would be? Even better if the maintenance reader leaves behind little lipstick marks on their face for Monty and the gang to laugh about :D

Inspired by that one tumblr post about a guy walking out with a few lipstick kiss marks and then saying "you should see what they did to the other guy" in a stereotypical mobster voice before said other guy drunkenly walks out absolutely covered in lipstick marks, sfw of course I want Fluff I want Affection I want Lovey Dovey-ness if you think you could swing it, just the softest silliest thing you can write, and keep up the good work anywho :')

I have no mouth, and I must kiss. (GN Reader but they do wear lipstick) Synopsis: After a play full of heartbreak and tragedy, Sun realizes that he'll never be able to kiss you. You remedy the situation.

Notes: It's been almost 2 years since I've written a fnaf fic, I feel rusty. Help wanted 2 got me calling my old mans' numbers. That's a joke they never left my phone. Anon if you're still out there, I hope you enjoy the fruits of my labors.

Requests are open!

Children are very persuasive. While you originally came to the daycare to fix a broken screen, you’ve ended up in a play. Decked out with a foam sword, you act as the story’s brave knight. Once you’ve slain the dragon, a kid wearing a Monty hood, your princess awaits.

“My dear knight! You saved me from the evil dragon!” Sun swoons. Instead of his waist frills, he’s worn a bright yellow skirt. Dangling from a few of his rays was a princess cap. The bells on his wrist jingle as he clasps his hands. “Is there any way I can repay you?”

You press a hand against your heart and bow your head. “There is no need, Princess. Protecting you is my sworn duty.” You’d say your acting wasn’t half bad for an underpaid maintenance worker.

“The princess has to kiss the knight!” A kid called from the audience.

Sun felt rigid like his joints were locking up. He hoped you couldn’t hear his fans kicking on as his body temperature rose. He would love to kiss you but wanted the moment to be perfect. “N-now friend, we don-”

“Mr. Sun can’t kiss them! He doesn’t have a mouth!” Another kid argued. Something about what they said made Sun feel weird.

“Yes, he does! It just can’t open.” 

Sun lets out a huff, turning to you. “They’re getting cranky. It must be snack time. I’ll pass them out quickly. That way, we can spend time together!” He bounced on the balls of his feet, eager for you to stick around.

Your fazwatch pings with an alert: a S.T.A.F.F. bot got stuck in Monty Golf. “Oh, sorry, Sun. I have another job to do. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Sun would be frowning if his faceplate could move. He quickly perks up and sets his hands on your shoulders. “Right! Right, right, right, you have a job. Responsibilities! I’ll- I’ll see you at closing. Buh-bye, friend!” The jester waves you goodbye before sighing, hurrying to pass out snacks before someone throws a tantrum.

The rest of your day goes as smoothly as working as the Pizza Plex could be. It was after closing time, and you were doing your final tasks. The glamrocks were in their rooms, the S.T.A.F.F bots were on their set paths, and nothing on the floor needed fixing. The last place you needed to check on was the daycare. 

Walking through the big wooden doors, Sun is nowhere to be seen. You call his name, followed by Moon’s, but still nothing. Shrugging it off, you make your rounds, checking everything is in place. During the sweep, you could hear muffled words from a storage closet.

“Do you think they’ve kissed anyone, Moon? We can’t do that…” That was the unmistakable voice of Sun. “I wonder what it would be like. Hmph, even the glamrocks can move their mouths…” He grumbles.

When you open the door, Sun jumps like he’s been shocked. He scrambled to stand up. “Ah! Oh, hi! You’re here early!”

“It’s almost eleven. I’ve been here for almost thirty minutes.” You say, checking your watch. “What were you talking about?”

“Would you believe me if I said nothing?” The daycare attendant tilts his head, his faceplate spinning a bit.

“No, I would not.”

Sun sighs as he sits back on the closet floor, his legs crisscrossed and his hands holding his face. Taking a seat next to him, you ask him what’s wrong.

“I was just thinking about some stuff after our play. Moon and I can’t kiss you!” He flops over dramatically as if he’d heard tragic news. “Our face is stuck in this stupid smile!” He tugs on one of his rays, angry at his lack of facial mobility.

“Hey, I don’t mind that you guys can’t kiss me. There’s more to a relationship than that. Besides, there are other ways to kiss.”

This breaks him out of his kissless stupor. “There are? Tell me, tell me!” Sun practically shakes where he sits. “Better yet, show me!” He opens his arms wide, inviting you to do as you please.

Taking one of his large hands in your own, you place a kiss on the back of his hand, leaving a lipstick mark on the shiny plastic. While he didn’t have pupils, you could feel Sun’s eyes burning into you. He didn’t want to miss a single second!

The touch sensors in his arms and hands weren’t that sensitive. Kids sure did like to scratch, kick, and bite. But even so, he could still feel your lips pressing fluttering kisses to his casing. Laughter bubbled up in his voice box. 

Kiss after kiss lined Sun’s arm. Even if it left stains, this is one mess he could let slide. You took his other arm in your hands, mimicking your previous affections. Kissing back up his arms, you reach his faceplate. Sun’s giggling gets louder as your lips kiss the hard surface of his cheeks.

“Hey, your shift’s almost over. Get ready to clock out.” Vanessa’s voice rings from your watch. 

When you pull away to answer, Sun tries to follow your lips. “Alright, I’ll be at the office in a moment.” Sun lets out another round of laughter.

“Oh, you’re with him… Your pay gets docked when you stay overtime, you know. Make sure to leave before the shutters close.” With that last sentence, Vanessa cuts off her line.

With excited, shaking hands, Sun brings your face closer to his. “Keep kissing me! Please, please, please!” His begging is cut short as he listens to Moon say something. “Awww, but I’m not done!” Sun still gets up to turn the lights off, moping the whole way there.

Bright red optics suddenly appear in front of your eyes. The lights glow against your skin. Moon clicks a flashlight on, making his faceplate look more menacing than he probably intended. “You weren’t thinking about leaving, were you? Not when you haven’t given me the same attention Sun got, right?” 

“Oh, of course not, Moon!” Cupping his face in your hands, you leave a kiss mark on his forehead.

You bring your trail of kisses down to his nose, trailing along the curve, up to the corner of his eye. Moon lets out that raspy laugh of his. He tugs you closer, craving the warmth of your skin against the cold of his plastic.

He watched as you kissed down his face and neared his chest. “Sun was whining all day, worrying over us not being able to kiss you.” Moon snickered. “He was fretting over nothing, as usual. But I must admit, he’s right about some things.” 

His ‘breath’ hitched as he watched you kiss right where his heart would be. The fans in his chest cavity kicked into overdrive as they tried to cool his circuits, trying their best not to overheat. “Kissing you would be a dream.” 

Letting out a laugh of your own, you press another soft kiss on Moon’s chest. “I guess I’ll have to do the kissing for all three of us.” Punctuating your sappy sentence, you kiss their sculpted-on smile. An audible puff of air leaves the daycare attendant’s chassis.

 “Attention Pizza Plex Guests and Staff. The Pizza Plex’s doors will close in ten minutes.” An automated voice rang over the building’s speakers.

More alert than before, you get up from the closet door. “I gotta go!” You were not trying to spend the night here. “Bye, Moon. Bye, Sun. I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t forget to wash that lipstick off!”

They weren’t really listening, absolutely high on kisses. For a few hours, they simply rest in the daycare’s storage closet, gushing to each other about you. Well, more Sun than Moon.

Once it was time for Moon to do his rounds around the Pizza Plex, he’d forgotten about the lipstick covering his exoskeleton. It wasn’t until Monty knocked on the glass of his room.

“You having a good night, Moon?” It was like the smirk in Monty’s voice was audible from his voicebox. “Seems like you had a lot of fun.”

Seeing his reflection in the glass, Moon lets out a growl. How could he forget to wash off all this lipstick? “Not a word of this to anyone.” Moon scratched his fingers down the window, leaving marks behind. He turns tail to head back to the daycare and wash the stains off of himself.

Unknowing to the lunar animatronic, Monty had already sent a message to all the other bots.

[liampaynememorial]

Before saying thank you to everyone who participated and reblogged, I want to say some words too. Some words that I haven’t been able to say in my main blog because feelings aren’t my thing, and I hate being vulnerable… so I’m hiding behind this anonymous blog. So sorry, it’s going to be long and there are going to be typos, probably, sorry for that too.

Liam, I don’t even know where to start. I really can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks. Time goes too fast and too slow at the same time, and I feel like I’ve been living these past 2 weeks in a limbo of time going too fast and time going so slow. And I haven’t been able to say a proper goodbye to you yet. Not in the memorial I travelled to, not on my own, so I’ll try now.

I have many “what if?” in my personal life that I try not to get into because spirals, and you have become one now too: What if I could save him? As if I had that power, wish I had. I really wish that my support (your fans support) has been enough to save you, has been the blanket you needed, the hug you needed, whatever you needed. What if One Direction has never existed? What if things were different? And it’s so selfish of me to think that I wouldn’t be here if One Direction never existed. Because you’re not here because One Direction existed. And it’s something that is getting hard to process. I know you loved One Direction, maybe Niall was 1 directioner during the band years, but you were 1 directioner after the hiatus, and 1 supporter for your band mates, for your brothers. I know that besides everything that happened, you loved to be in that band. But what if Simon hasn’t been behind the band management? You know where I’m going… I start spiralling, I find an answer to a question, and I have a new question in mind.

I’m sad and I’m mad. And I’m in denial. I’m sad because you deserved to have a happy ending, you deserved to find your place in the world and in that industry you loved so much. You deserved to heal and to get better. You deserved to see your child growing up. You deserved to see the love. You deserved a much better ending. It’s so tragic. I have been worried about you for years, but never, not even in my worst nightmares I thought this was going to be your ending.

I’m mad at the whole industry. An industry that is full of selfish and greedy people who care more about money, numbers, and money again that they care about the artist. I’m mad at everyone in that hotel who didn’t try and who didn’t do enough. I’m mad at everyone who didn’t defend you, to everyone who bullied you, to everyone who didn’t understand what trauma and addiction can do to a person. I know a lot of people have been saying that the hate you’ve got was because of everything that was being said in early October, but it’s not true. The hate didn’t even start in 2022 after that podcast. The hate started before. The hate started during the band. The hate continued after the hiatus. The hate was always there, for stupid reasons and because of the hypocrisy of this fandom. And because of solo fans who found very funny to put you against each other and loved using the word “flop”. I hope you knew that your music was great. I hope you knew that One Direction wouldn’t have been the same without you. I hope you could know that I have a tattoo related to you, done before the tragedy, but it won’t be the only one. I hope you knew that you had talent, so much talent. I hope you knew you were enough. And loved. I’m mad at the whole world for dampening your light.

And I’m in denial. I’m in denial because you’re here, Liam. I have been a fan of you since I saw you five singing Viva La Vida in the xfactor, and in the fandom some months later. We’ve grown up together, I’m just months older than you. In all these years, 14, you were always in my screen, always in my earphones. And you’re still there, so what do you mean you’re not here? What do you mean you’re not here when I see your gifs, when I can listen to your voice, to your laugh. You know? You were also part of my final project in university, a project about One Direction. You were in so many parts of my life. You are in so many places in my life. It’s so hard to process it when I have you the same way I have always had you—on a screen and earphones. And I’m trying to think that this means that you’ll live forever. I know you’ll do. I know I won’t love anything the way I have loved this band and you all 5. The way I love this band and you all 5. You’re still here. I’ve been seeing white feathers when I was thinking about you during walks, so you’re still here.

I know my comfort place is now tainted by other emotions that aren’t joy, comfort, and love. Tainted by sadness, and anger, and pain, and what ifs. But I’ll know, or I hope, that in the future I can listen to your music— both your solo music and the band music—and feel more positive emotions than bad. I hope I can do the same watching “one direction funny moments” and no think about how it all ended. You know? I always imagined being on my 40s or 50s and going to the reunion, meeting with my mutuals (who most are friends) and dancing all night to the best songs ever.

I imagined dancing to one of One Direction songs during my wedding, wasn’t sure one. I knew I wanted to dance No Control because I wanted to do the dance with my friends who love you as much as I do, but I also was thinking about If I Could Fly piano version, or Home. I imagined so many things in my future and in so many of them, One Direction and you were my soundtrack: getting my first house and the first album played there being Midnight Memories, getting married and having your songs in the wedding, going to your solo concerts and the reunion concert, singing your songs in karaoke, talking to my kids about you and watching videos together, getting more tattoos related to One Direction, doing a tour in London visiting iconic places, doing a pyjama party with my friends that I met here and watching videos and singing together. So many moments that now I don’t know if I’ll do, because now I’m not strong enough to think about it. But I’ll hope I’ll do, because you deserve to be celebrated and honoured in a happy way too. I’ll try Liam, this is my second promise.

I’m not quite sure if I believe in afterlife, in heaven, or in reincarnation. But wherever you are, I hope you are at peace. I hope you’re receiving all this love (that you deserved to see). I hope you’re happy. I hope I’ll get to live another life where you’re part of it again. I love you, Liam. You’ll live forever, in my heart, in my mind, in my screen. I’ll keep talking about you, listening to your songs, and honouring you anyway I can. It might take some time because I need to process and heal, but I’ll do, because you deserve that. My third promise?

Sending kisses, hugs, and love to you. 💕

PS: I’ve made a first promise to you in private that I plan to keep.

[arcadiabaytornado]

To be honest with you, Rachel’s death continues to haunt me after all of these years. It may sound silly since she’s a video game character, but she was one of my favorite life is strange characters next to Max, Dana, and Kate. It could be due to the matter of her murder, as well as her being so young, and not being able to achieve her goals of leaving Arcadia Bay.

Am I crazy for feeling this way?

No, you're right, because EVERYTHING about Rachel's death is tragic.

A: She never got to escape Arcadia Bay. All she wanted was a chance to escape her small town and make it LA, but she never got there.

B: She was so ambitious. She wanted to do so much with her life and she was so confident she could do it all. The fact that she never even had a chance is devastating.

C: She was only eighteen. I'm 20 years old and I've changed so much from who I was two years ago, the person I was at eighteen doesn't exist anymore. Rachel never had this chance to look back at who she was at eighteen and only find a ghost looking back.

D: She was photographed by her teacher who groomed her, and then was murdered using drugs from a man who has been implied to be interested in her when she was fifteen and he was in his thirties. She couldn't escape being victimized by these men even in her death.

More Undercut

E: IF (and that's a big if) we believe what Mark tells Max, then Rachel was never even meant to die in the dark room. Nathan overdosed her on accident. She could have lived.

F: She never got to say goodbye to Chloe. Or Steph. Or Mikey. Or anyone who cared about her.

G: She likely didn't find peace in death, because it's implied that she comes back as a ghost deer. And while she does fade away once her body is found, she was still not at rest for six months.

H: The girl who loved the spot light was thrown away like trash and no one could find her for six months. The curtains were called and she didn't get that final bow.

So you consider all of that and her death is one of the most tragic in fiction. I don't even know how they could make Rachel's death worse because every aspect of what happened to her just seeps with tragedy.

[ash5monster01]

Getaway Camp : Seventeen

Pairing: Charlie Dalton x FemReader

Warnings: 18+, dirty talk, language, mentions of depression, oral (male receiving), smut, mentions of bullying, role play, dirty fantasies

Summary: Countdown to the end of camp begins and Charlie finds himself being dragged into practicing for the end of summer show. Yet who is he to say no to Valerie?

word count: 3.1k

Masterlist

Sixteen ←→ Eighteen

August 5th 1961

Family weekend was a huge success. Charlie got to spend the entire weekend catching up with his friends, learning about their lives and college. Meeks and Pitts were already thriving in early admission and Knox still head over heels for Chris, while Todd actually found himself able to defend himself to his parents. They all were doing good for a group of kids who faced so much tragedy. Then at the end of day Valerie would be done with work and get to know each of them herself. It was perfect.

That is until they had to leave. Charlie wouldn't admit it but he cried when they said their goodbyes, hugging them tightly and unsure of the next time they'd see each other. He was so happy with them here and that made spending the rest of the week without them that much harder. He had no joy for rowing or spending his days in a cabin, actually yearning for Welton when they all hung out there. He was a bit sullen and Valerie was determined to change that. That's why on his walk back from Ezra's cabin he finds the girl pacing in front of the staff camp trail, not noticing his presence.

"V? What're you doing?" he curiously asks and she freezes in place, looking at him with that perfect soft smile he had grown so fond of.

"There you are, you're late!" she grins, hand locking in his own as she pulls him along. She only strays from her pace to give him a quick kiss to his cheek before continuing up the trail, ignoring his confused look.

"Late for what Val?" he asks, not even fighting her pull as she leads him up the trail. He can't recall ever making plans with her up until now but it wouldn't be a surprise if he had forgotten.

"Um for practice, for the staff show" she answers sheepishly and finally Charlie freezes, stopping in place on the wooded trail and halting the girl with him. After all the business of the summer and being caught up in their relationship, he had nearly forgotten about the staff production he learned of on his first day. He hadn't dwelled on it since that night and now panic rose in his chest.

"I am not being in that show V" he tells her and she instantly pouts, stomping her foot like a little kid.

"Please Charlie, it'll be fun and we can do it together" she whines, determined to convince him but all Charlie can picture is a hundred criticizing eyes staring back at him, waiting to see if he would fail. Worst of all it reminds him of the last time he saw Neil, and how happy he looked onstage. He didn't want to live through that.

"I am not singing some silly song and wearing a weird costume for the campers pleasure. I'll happily sit that one out" he tells her and Valerie sighs, determined to convince him.

"I know but it's more for my pleasure, summer is coming to an end and I want to do the show, especially with you" she says, squeezing his hand and hoping her pouty lips and wide eyes can get her some leeway. Charlie won't admit that it's slightly working.

"Val, I have lots of other ways I can pleasure you that I'd actually prefer" Charlie says with a smirk, pulling her close and definitely more interested in taking her to bed then show camp. She is quick to roll her eyes, shoving him lightly despite the blush on her cheeks and desire swirling in her belly.

"Or after practice I can reward you in ways you prefer Ace" she counteroffers and Charlie snorts, pulling her back and wrapping his arms around her waist. Valerie wraps her arms around his neck, content being this close to him.

"I really don't want to V, I'm not sure there is anything that could convince me" he tells her earnestly and Valerie thinks for a moment, hopeful there was one thing she could do or say to get him to come. Charlie waits patiently, eager to hear what else she can come up with on her little mission.

"Did I mention this years theme is Treasure Island? And that I'm going to be a mermaid" it doesn't go unnoticed by either of them the way his grip tightens around her form. Valerie may not know this but Pirates was sort of Charlie's thing. Ever since he was a little boy he wanted to live a life free at sea, sword fighting, and winning the girl. When he got older the only thing that ever got him through the day was the image of Nolan walking the plank. He would be a fool to turn down playing a pirate, especially with his girl in a mermaid costume. One he hoped she got to keep so he could live out a few fantasies of his own.

"How long is practice?' he asks and Valerie tries to hide her excitement at his words.

"Today? Only an hour but that's just so they can finish casting" she tells him and Charlie nods, loosening his grip around her and starting to walk back up the trail.

"Well let's go, we're already late" and the grin that cracks across her face is one he wishes he could frame and keep on his wall forever. Even if he still didn't want to do the show, doing it with her would be worth it. He couldn't ever picture himself regretting it.

Yet when they reach the Hideout, which is surprisingly clean and brightly lit for the day, Charlie spots Nate beside Alex and Holly. That's when he realizes doing this show would mean working for Nate. It also meant dancing, lots of it, and Charlie was regretting agreeing more and more. Valerie can sense his uneasiness considering she has to drag him further and further into the building. When they finally reach their friends and other staff who stretch and practice as if this was real theater, Nate spots them both with the slyest of smirks on his face. Charlie wished then the world would swallow him whole.

"You convinced Dalton to do the show, I can't believe my eyes" he says and Valerie shoots him and glare before patting Charlie's back.

"He's more talented than you'd think" she offers, having shared a dance with him more than a few times during her stay here. Nate is quick to cross his arms and look Charlie up and down.

"Oh yeah, what kind of hidden talents you have up your sleeve Dalton?" he asks, apparently using his last name to seem higher up then him, it reminded him a lot of Dr. Hager. It made Charlie want to punch him.

"Not much, I can't sing, I can kinda dance, and I play the saxophone" this is news to everyone, including Valerie. Charlie doesn't miss the shock on any of their faces but Nate is already snapping his fingers at a member of the band, waving for him to come over. The boy shuffles along, someone Charlie doesn't know but Nate probably did from doing so much work together.

"Leonard, let Charlie borrow the sax for his tryout" he orders the boy and he looks sheepish, used to Nate's harassment, and a little nervous to hand over his obviously beloved instrument.

"Do you have a spare reed?" Charlie asks and the boys shoulders soften as he realizes Charlie knows what he's talking about. Quickly he nods and rushes to retrieve a fresh reed while removing his own from the instrument. The second the wooden piece is in Charlie's hand he has it in his mouth, gently taking Leonard's instrument and positioning it around his neck. Valerie doesn't want to admit how hot she finds it. Playing an instrument wasn't supposed to be sexy but she also knew what his tongue felt like.

When Charlie is ready he fastens the mouth piece to the instrument and feels out a few notes. Once comfortable he falls into a familiar tune, one none of them are able to name but know they've heard before. It's surprisingly beautiful and Charlie feels just as he did that night in the cave. Shocking his friends and feeling the music. It had been so long since he held the instrument in his hands and he hated that his passion for it died with Neil. What ever happened to gotta do more, gotta be more. When he's finished the room is silent, not having expected the kind of talent to come from the boy. Even Nate wears a shocked face, counting on Charlie failing and embarrassing himself in front of everyone. Yet now Charlie knows he should definitely do the show. If not for Valerie, for Neil.

"Wow, that was impressive" Leonard is the first to speak up when Charlie hands the instrument back. Charlie smiles at him before wrapping his arm around Valerie's waist once more.

"What do you say guys, am I in the show?" Charlie asks, eyeing Nate, Alex, and Holly who are shocked and impressed. Nate won't give him the benefit but that doesn't matter, Holly was in charge of casting. Based on her smile, he didn't have to worry about much.

"I'm not really sure how we can write in a saxophone but we still need someone to play first mate, so you're in!" Holly says and Valerie is quick to celebrate and pull the boy in a hug. As much as he didn't want his day to turn out like this he also can't help the smile on his face. Oddly reminiscent about his best friend yelling his name down the halls, excited to tell him he got the part. He liked to imagine himself calling Neil up tonight, telling him he was suddenly apart of theater and hear all the sassy jabs he would throw his way. It made his heart hurt but Charlie just reminded himself that it was love with no where to go.

"So, who's the Captain?" Charlie asks once the excitement has calmed down and Valerie snorts only lightly, not daring to look him in the eye.

"Well that would be Levi" Alex answers and Charlie chuckles. He should have expected that. He quickly reminds himself of Valerie in a mermaid costume before deciding to back out. Whether he had to answer to Levi or not.

"What necessarily happens to the first mate?" he asks, wanting to make sure this wouldn't be too embarrassing and Holly chuckles while handing him a script. One Charlie apparently had to learn now.

"He gets to Adler Island and is lured to his death by a beautiful mermaid" the red headed girl tells him, gesturing to his girlfriend and Charlie smirks. He couldn't of gotten an easier part.

"Perfect, no acting required" and Valerie gasps before trying to shove him. He instead catches her and pulls her flush against him. "Okay where do we start?"

That's how Charlie ends up practicing his part for the next hour, happy to find he doesn't have much singing or even lines required. It was especially nice since Levi was at work. That meant he got to practice all his Valerie scenes instead. For nearly an entire three minute sequence he had to stare at her awestruck while she sang Sea of Love by Phil Phillips. Not only was she an amazing singer but he didn't have to pretend to be awestruck. The only thing he had to fake was being lured to death. Other than that he could listen to her sing for hours, especially that song.

Come with me, my love

To the sea, the sea of love

I want to tell you how much I love you

"I'd say this is going to be our best show yet" Alex grins, surprisingly very good at being a director for how weird he was. Charlie shouldn't be surprised though, he was an activity director after all. Between him and Nate's choreography it made sense why they enjoyed putting on a show every year. Everyone here was extremely talented and he wished Neil was around to see it. Cheer him on just like he once did for him.

"You guys need me to stick around and sing Pirate's Life For Me or can I go make out with my sexy mermaid girlfriend now?" Charlie is quick to ask and Nate makes a disgusted face completely the opposite of Holly's awe face. Valerie blushes red in front of each of her friends and staff she wasn't even that close too.

"No, you're free. Enjoy the rest of the day matey" Alex salutes and Charlie laughs before lacing his fingers with Valerie's and starting towards the door.

"Bye guys!" she calls out and Charlie just barely catches them returning the sentiment as he pulls her out the door. Once in the now dark woods Charlie's hands travel to less inappropriate regions, lips quickly finding her neck.

"This is a total turnaround for Mr. I don't want to do the show" Valerie says, trying to keep her eyes from fluttering shut at the sensation. One of his hands gripped her waist as she walked in front of him, the other keeping her close right under breast, practically cupping it, and she wished he'd give up steadying her and actually touch her. Especially with the filthy way he was devouring her neck.

"What can I say, I have a thing for mermaids" he mutters against her skin, quickly going back to work and more than likely leaving a mark. Charlie was too hungry for her to care and Valerie was too turned on to care. "Besides I recall someone promising me pleasure in ways I prefer after practice"

"I don't think we ever came to an agreement" Valerie teases and the small squeeze to her waist indicates she'll more than likely be in trouble if she keeps the attitude up. It make's her want to mess with him more. Eager to see what he would do to her.

"Agreements aside V, I might actually die if I don't have you soon" he says in that breathy and messy tone and Valerie can't help but push her legs together. Even if she nearly trips up as they continue walking.

"Death is dramatic, I'm sure you'll live" and this earns her a bite to her neck. Unable to suppress the moan she gives herself up and pretty quickly they make their way to the boathouse instead of the cabins. Charlie more desperate than before.

It's dark when they're inside and Charlie removes his hold from her only briefly to light the kerosene lantern. When the warm hazy light fills the space he finds Valerie already on her knees and starting to fumble with the zipper on his pants. If he wasn't hard before he definitely was now. His head tips back, eyeing the wooden ceiling when he feels her fingers slide into his waistband and tongue glide up his happy trail.

"You're gonna be the death of me" is all he says before his shorts and boxers are tugged down to his ankles. His length jumps in the cool night air and from being turned on. Valerie just smiles before kissing the tip and looking like a dream beneath him.

"So fucking pretty" she swears, fingers curling around the base of his cock and Charlie lets out a desperate and whiny moan. Needing her to do something other than admire his cock.

"Please Val, do something" he begs and she just grins, guiding him to sit his bare ass on the empty cot. When he's finally in position she kisses his tip once more before finally taking some of his length into her mouth. He tries to stay calm the more and more she takes but he barely makes it halfway before his hands are tangled in her hair. Careful to not shove her head the entire way. Yet based on the way she hums around his dick, he's pretty sure she wouldn't mind.

Charlie guides her to take his full length, nudging the back of her throat and fighting the gag reflex. Finally she pulls back, tears already burning her eyes before continuing to suck him off. Charlie whines and begs like a needy mess the whole time, trying not to rut into her mouth as she takes him so well. When he's sure he won't last any longer she pulls back, wiping her chin with her arm, and smiling at him like the devil. It was sexy seeing her like this knowing how kind and innocent she seemed out of the bedroom.

"You were so cute in practice today, I never knew you could play saxophone" she tells him as she lifts from her knees, hands grabbing the ends of her dress and starting to lift it over her head. Charlie watches in a daze, as if he can't retain a word she's saying.

"I can play clarinet too, but I hate it. When do you think you'll get your mermaid costume?" he changes the topic, not even interested in discussing his musical abilities. He was more concerned about all the ways he would have her.

"Someone really has a thing for the whole mermaids and pirates thing huh?" she asks, shimmying the white panties down her legs. Charlie's throat dries as she continues stripping for him, barely even registering how painful his strained length is. Especially when he sees how wet she already is.

"I always wanted to be a pirate, since I was a little kid. When I got older that included a hot mermaid girlfriend" he admits with no better judgement as she crawls onto his lap. His tip barely grazes against her folds and he's already seething at the sensation. Desperate to be inside of her.

"Really? Captain Charlie then," and Charlie isn't proud to admit the way his cock jumps at the name title. Yet Valerie notices and she's quick to grasp his length and drag him through her folds. It makes Charlie whimper.

"Yes, definitely not first mate" he says with the shake of his head and Valerie grins, lining him up with her entrance before slowly sinking down him. Intrigued by his wild fantasy.

"I bet Captain Charlie is a dirty pirate. Always drinking rum and taking things that don't belong to him. Kidnapping mermaids and having his way with them" the more she talks the more he has to fight not to cum, imaging her with pretty seashells in her hair and hair hanging over her breasts. What a beautiful fucking mermaid.

"Baby you're so tight" Charlie whines once she's fully sat on him and she grins, hugging him close before grinding on his length, nudging that spot inside of her slowly. Keeping him as deep as she can get him inside her.

"Now don't cum, or I'll have to make you walk the plank"

Taglist: @eden-punk @octaviasdread @pursuedbyamemoryy @poetsinnyc @linmichea1

Comment if you want to be added to the taglist :))

[good-omens-classic]

I just watched all 6 episodes of season 2 in a row and I am having a very hard verbalizing the way I'm feeling.

I am speechless, and not in a good way.

For five and a half episodes, I was on board. I didn't expect to like this, but despite myself I found myself laughing and getting emotional and getting invested in the story, in a way I haven't been since first reading Good Omens and falling in love with it all those years ago. Nearly a decade ago at this point. I had problems with season 1 and the way the fandom changed, but that felt mostly natural and just like differences of opinion and interpretation.

The ending of season 2 feels actively malicious. Especially coming from someone who couldn't stop touting over and over on Twitter about what a nice queer love story this is.

Everything wasn't perfect--but it was...nice. It was something. It was engaging and I was starting to feel excited again, not like I'm going to start writing fanfiction again excited but at the very least I'm thinking, I can enjoy watching people enjoy this from the sidelines.

And then the second half of the last episode came. And Aziraphale wants to go back to Heaven to lead the angels. Not only is that a completely nonsensical thing for Metatron to invite him to do, but Aziraphale's entire character is that he's happy on Earth. He's happy on Earth with Crowley. OF COURSE CROWLEY REFUSED TO GO BACK TO HEAVEN. The entire fucking point is they belong ON EARTH, together, with the humans. Our own side, their own side, the humans' being neither good nor evil but full of potential and power and them learning they can be that way too.

That's the point. That's always been the point. NEIL GAIMAN KNOWS THAT'S THE POINT. Aziraphale was clearly very unhappy with this decision, and hesitant. The show made it VERY clear he was unhappy and unsure after Crowley gave him a reminder of what they were supposed to be about...and he just went anyway.

And he did this right as Crowley declares his love and FUCKING KISSES HIM. In this, supposedly the cutest best queer love story. Nobody can even say "Well they just don't have that kind of relationship, they don't need to say I love you or kiss or hold hands" anymore because THEY LITERALLY DID KISS. And then IMMEDIATELY said goodbye to each other.

Tragedy is not just about making the audience unhappy. Tragedy is making the audience ache because of something sad and unavoidable, of knowing the characters could be happy in a better world. Good omens has always been about building that world, to me. I thought maybe they were going to go in that direction, with Aziraphale and Crowley building a non-apocalypse, at peace world on Earth together, with Aziraphale's newfound authority to teach all the angels and demons the benefits of humanity. That is, in my mind, the culmination of the themes of the original story, and the one I thought season 1 mostly got right except for some stumbling blocks. But this... This feels like a slap in the face.

The tragedy here is not that Aziraphale and Crowley can't be together, but that the writers....that Neil Gaiman threw away everything in the original story, everything from season 1, Hell, everything from earlier in season 2, about Aziraphale's character development and the most important themes of the story. And for what? Who finds this ending narratively satisfying, let alone is happy with it?

I was enjoying this. Maybe it was just because so much time has passed since season 1 that I've been able to more effectively separate the versions and think of them as different stories, and just enjoy them for what they are separately, or maybe it's because there was no other version of this story for me to silently constantly compare it to, but I was enjoying this...a lot more than I enjoyed season 1. I thought it was cute, I thought Gabriel and Beelzebub deciding to basically do WHAT CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE SHOULD HAVE DONE and make a "third side" was a great extension of the themes of the story, and all the Aziraphale and Crowley flashbacks set it up so perfectly for Aziraphale to realize at the end: The problem IS systemic, and Heaven isn't the "good guys." and Aziraphale clearly realizes this! And yet he doesn't act on it. If the last half an hour had just been Aziraphale going "I don't want to lead Heaven actually, I belong here on Earth if you want to come to me on how to run things the Earth way," and then he skips off holding Crowley's hand. To me that would be not only the happiest AND most narratively neat, wrapped up conclusion for season 2, but also THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE. and ALL the character development s2 had been setting up in the first five fucking episodes.

It just all got thrown in the garbage.

I'm tired. This could have been such a good, good story, and I was prepared to be disappointed, but nothing could have prepared me for this. When the clip of Aziraphale and Crowley kissing got leaked, I was bracing myself for it to be some sort of like....joke, or dream sequence that didn't actually happen. I was not prepared for THIS.

Someone please convince me it wasn't this bad. Someone please spin it in a way I hadn't thought of before that makes it make sense. Someone please disagree with me and explain why.

[chimcess]

Birdie Shoppe || pjm (XI)

Pairing: Jimin x Reader Other tags: Werewolf!Jimin, Witch!Reader, Shifter!Reader, Shifter!Jimin, A/B/O Dynamics, Alpha!Jimin Genre: Supernatural!AU, Werewolf!AU, Angst, Mutual Pining, Fluff, Smut, Word Count: 12.1k+ Synopsis: Within the four realms of Lustra lay the Bangtan forest home to the Foxglove pack of the north and known as the “land of magic.” It is also home to the Birdie, a powerful witch from a cursed bloodline who is one of the sacred guardians of the forest. Y/N is the 123rd Birdie, a young girl who was given her position too early and asked by the goddess herself to fulfil a task none had ever done before- become the Grand Witch of the Foxglove pack. Now a woman, Y/N is revered as the most loved and powerful Birdie of all time, but hiding under the surface is a woman who has to battle between her duty and her heart. Warnings: Long-hair Jimin (yes, this is a warning), Strong language, Violence, Mentions of blood, Descriptions of blood, Descriptions of death, Blindness, Talks of abuse, ANGST, PTSD symptoms, Sexism, Misogyny, War talks, Talks of possible death A/N: We’re officially at the beginning of the next act. I have many, many plans for this universe of mine and I’m so happy to share this world with you.

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Opening my eyes, I could feel just how tired my arms were. Every inch of my body was heavy and weighed down by some invisible force. Looking around me, I knew that I was in some sort of medical setting. Surrounded by bodies, I closed my eyes once more and breathed a sigh of relief. 

I was alive. I was free. I made it.

Moans of pain filled the room, but I could not figure out where they were coming from. Everyone else was either quiet or talking in hushed whispers with their loved ones. I opened my eyes again. 

Forcing myself up, I groaned in agony as I did so. My head still had some dull aches. My bones cracked and popped with each movement I made. Glancing around me, I was alone. I could only hope it was due to others being too busy to stay holed up in the medical unit with me and not because far more serious tragedies had been met.

Twisting and turning, I slowly stretched and relaxed the tense muscles in my body. The headache lingered, but it became more bearable as the time went by. The woman beside me woke up a few minutes later. Most of her body was scarred from burns. She had been caught in a fire when she was evacuating her children from the village. 

I had been out for two days. The elves had not come back since their failed attempt at a siege. According to the woman, they had gone to Northorn. It sparked something in my mind, but I could not figure out what.

Testing the waters, I tried to stand and was successful. I was happy with how quickly my body recovered from the drain. It would have taken much longer before. I guessed it had something to do with the power that had been taken from me. I was able to regain it much better now. Looking down at the woman, I frowned.

“Would you like for me to heal you?” I asked.

She shook her head, “It’s a sign of honor to have lived. I will wear them with pride.”

My own scars came to mind, and my frown deepened. I had never thought of them that way. My thoughts then shifted to Shiloh and it almost brought me to my knees. I never got the chance to say goodbye. Pushing my tears away, I told myself that I would give myself time to grieve later.

“Have you seen Alpha Jimin?” I asked her, willing my voice to stay calm.

She smiled at me, the side of her face that was burned far too tight and red to lift with the other. She had a beautiful smile once, and I felt rage like I never had before. I wished I could rip apart the elf that had made this happen to her. 

“He’s here most of the time,” She replied. “The Alpha called upon him this morning for an important meeting. He should be back soon.”

I nodded and made up my mind to go and look for others in the ward. I asked her about Thelma and Yoongi, but she paid little mind to the witches. They had been gone by the time she had come to. Settling on finding my friends first, I began the treacherous task of walking through the bodies.

Many were badly injured, missing limbs, or burned beyond recognition. Some children had gone blind from spells, others were paralyzed and being worked on constantly by the quietus in order to reverse it, and some were so badly injured they were only receiving pain relief until they died. It became too hard to look at and so I stopped. Staring straight ahead, I forced myself from looking down at the cots littered around me.

“I’m happy you’re awake,” Said a voice from behind me.

I turned with great care and found Cadoc standing there.

The shadow surrounding him was gone now, and replaced by gentle white smoke that danced. It was shocking just how different he looked when he was fighting. Now, his skin had life and flushed in the sun, the pale color less like marble, and his eyes were a normal blue color. His hair was still midnight and hung just at his shoulders. It danced in the breeze that surrounded him. He smiled at me.

“Cadoc,” I greeted him, unable to return his enthusiasm. “I’m happy to see you.”

He approached me cautiously and began to look over my body. His hands felt like a gentle breeze in the fall, his fingers as soft as leaves, and I could hardly feel any pressure as he methodically went over me. I was appreciative of the caution, and I belatedly realized that I was unaware of what they thought was best. Maybe I was not free to leave after all.

“You seem fine,” He said, his strange echoing voice all the same. “I would refrain from any and all magic use unless necessary.”

I nodded obediently.

“Thank you again,” I managed a small grin. “I appreciate you coming to my aid in the field.”

He nodded at me, “You saved my life. I thought it was only fair.”

Nodding, I turned away.

“Before you leave,” He called out. I turned back around. “Sam would like to see you. I think she’s quite fond of you.”

This time, I smiled.

“After I see my loved ones, I’ll be sure to make some time for her.”

Cadoc chuckled, “Goodluck. My sister is not known for her patience. My condolences to your family over the loss.”

I nodded, looking at the grass under my feet. Cordelia… Oh, Wendy would be completely beside herself. I knew I needed to get to them quickly. We should be together right now.

“Was it only Cordelia?” I asked, sniffling.

“She was the only one who died,” He replied. “Your friend is still blind, one was badly injured and still asleep, and another was burned on her leg.”

“Who’s here?” I demanded, looking back up.

I wanted to see them before I left.

“His name is Taejin, I think.”

My eyes closed on their own. I needed to get to Seokjin and make sure he was alright. His mother had to be in hysterics by now. Torn between seeing Taejin and going to comfort his family, my body moved on its own to go back into the tent. A hand on my arm stopped me.

Cadoc was pressed very closely against my body, his strange figure formed around my own, and I had to suppress a shiver. He was ice cold. I felt his lips brush against my ear as he whispered, his body far too close to mine. Within a second, he completely vanished from sight.

“They’re here.”

I turned my head towards his mouth, waiting for him to say more.

He elaborated, “I’m not sure who it is, but there’s someone in this village working with the elves.”

“How do you know that?” My voice was hardly audible, lips unmoving.

“I’ll explain later.”

I nodded. We were not in the best place for this conversation. Pulling away from his embrace, I pulled a face to make my pause look less suspicious. It was not difficult to look heartbroken when all I saw was devastation. What felt like fingers grazed my cheek.

“Meet me in your meadow tonight,” He urged.

I nodded my head once and hoped he understood what it meant. Seemingly satisfied with my answer, the cold chill that surrounded me was gone. Pushing the conversation to the back of my mind, I started walking once more. Whatever the quietus was talking about would have to wait until I was finished with my loved ones. 

I found Taejin a few minutes later after asking anyone who was well enough to guide me to his place. He was still asleep, a large gash on his face that was red and raised, but I was happy that his breathing was normal. I was sure he would wake up and be alright, but the scars from that night would haunt all of us forever. Cordelia’s face came to me again and I shivered. I could only hope that would be our only fall- it was the only one the witches could handle. I looked at him for a few minutes more before turning to leave the medical tent. I had a family who needed me right now and I would have to trust that the team here would be enough for Taejin. 

Stepping into the daylight, I was shocked by the desolation. Everything had been destroyed. Not a single building had been left in-tact and I knew many of the villagers would be unable to fix their homes. They were far too injured. Choking back a sob, I reminded myself of what I needed to do. I could fall apart later, right now my family needs me to be strong. 

Eyes followed me with rapt attention as I passed a small group of villagers. I recognized none of them, but I assumed they knew who I was. I never was able to learn the names of the wolves in the village outside of the ones I had helped through the change. The women were older, rounder, and probably no longer shifted if I had to guess. Looking ahead, I pointedly ignored them. I had no time for local gossip.

“They’re in the Park house,” One of the women called out. Looking at the group once more, I straighten my back. None of them were unkind, in fact, I could only find grief in their eyes. I did not know who they lost, but I hoped they would be able to recover. “It’s the only house left down the main road to your right. Be careful, there’s a lot of debris.”

I nodded, “Thank you.”

“No,” Another woman cried, her eyes as red as her sunburnt face. “Thank you. Alpha Taehyung told us what you did.”

I smiled at the group sadly before walking away. The praise did not feel nice. It should have, but it did nothing to settle my unease. None of this should have happened. I should have said something. I cringed at that thought and stopped walking to pull myself together. Not here. Not now. Later.

The house was easy to find. Surrounded by ashes and uninhabitable houses, the Park home stood as a shining beacon of hope within it all. Of course, the little house was worse for wear. The entire yard had been scorched by the flames that surrounded it, most of the walls burnt and weak, and there was a hole where you could see straight through into the home. I could see Seokjin sitting at a table with Wendy in his lap. They were talking but I was still too far away to hear anything. 

Deciding to use the front door, I frowned at the burnt wood. The house must have been the last one to go up in flames. I knocked and waited. Inside, everything stilled and a singular set of steps echoed. I braced myself for an onslaught of hugs and kisses from everyone, the never ending tears, and having to keep myself in one piece. I was a rock in a river and I would do whatever I needed in order to calm everyone inside.

Callisto answered the door. Her eyes were heavy with bags underneath them and her chocolate hair clipped back messily. Despite her obvious exhaustion, her green eyes lit up as she took me in. Unexpectedly, she threw her arms around my neck and tried out in what sounded like relief.

“Oh, thank Goddess,” She cried, her voice thick with emotion. “My brother will be so happy to see you. Oh, we were so worried.”

Hesitantly, I hugged the young girl back. She was so small and underweight I felt uncomfortable holding her too tightly. I could imagine her bones were just as frail as she was. She was off of me as quickly as she scooped me into her arms, and took my hand in hers as if we had known one another for years. She made my presence known so cheerfully I felt embarrassed. No one had been this excited to see me in my entire life.

“Birdie,” It was Wendy, her eyes wild, who spotted me first. 

I ran to her immediately. The sea witch crumbled in my arms, sobs making her entire body shake as she held onto me for dear life. Her hair had been cut, the blonde strands ending at her shoulders instead of flowing down her back, and I could still feel how dirty they were. She was frail, every bit as shaken as I felt, and seemed frenzied in her attack. I did not know if I should tell her that I had been the one to find Cordelia or not. I thought of her face again, her green eyes with their thousand yard stare, and a flash of red broke through. Her hair had always been ostentatious, frizzled and going every which way with a curtain of bangs that hid a fair amount of her face. That night they were caked in dirt, the orange glowing red under the fire, and stuck to her skin like leather. I shivered and held Wendy tighter. I prayed she had never seen her mentor like that.

“She-she-” She gasped, her pain piercing my heart.

“I know,” I croaked, running my fingers through her hair in an attempt to calm her. “I know, Wendy Bird.”

Looking over her shoulder now, I was pleased to see the rest of the witches huddled around a small fireplace. All of them looked at us now aside from Yoongi. His eyes were unfocused still and I remembered Cadoc telling me he was still blinded. Whispering to Wendy, I slowly removed her vice grip around my neck so I could go to them all. Seokjin was standing beside us and took her from me easily. He patted my head with his large hand and held the broken woman close. She was falling apart right before my eyes and I would not be able to comfort her. I would surely fall apart, too.

I went to Hoji first. Her husband was ill in the medical tent and I was sure she was frazzled. Jin would be too busy mourning the loss of our friend to fuss over his father. Especially since we all knew it was a matter of time before he woke up. Cordelia would never wake up. She was so heavy. I shuddered at the thought.

Heji reached out to me from beside her sister and smiled sadly. They had always looked the same, their faces virtually indistinguishable, but this moment they were the same woman to me. They were haunted, their eyes dull and sorrowful, and there would be no one to keep the other in check. No sarcastic comments followed by a gentle chastising. Right now, they were one woman mourning a shared loss. 

Yoona was at her son’s side and pointed me in Thelma’s direction. Taking a look at Yoongi, he was hurt and sad, but I was not sure what else could be happening inside of his head. His eyes had always been so expressive. I nodded at her and went to the woman beside her. Hyun-Jin was missing from the group and she whispered that he was asleep.

“Thank you,” Thelma whispered fiercely, almost like she was afraid of talking any louder. “You kept him away from the brunt of it all.”

I nodded but said nothing. Thelma did not reach for me like the others. She was never one to rely on others, and I knew how devastated she was. Cordelia was a good friend of hers, one she had known for many years, and she was not there to help her. Thelma had a self-blaming streak. I would talk with her later but for now I was content with letting her feel however she wanted.

I thought of Shiloh again and sighed heavily. I was so angry with myself for not getting a proper goodbye. I missed her so dearly, so acutely, and I could feel the hole in my heart she left with her leaving. I would again have no closure. Unlike Aldara, however, Shiloh and I had fought together fiercely and made our peace in the forest. She was safe and back where she belonged. It gave me little comfort.

“Y/N?” Yoongi called out, raising a hesitant hand.

I was at his side quickly. He looked so much younger right now. I reached out and took his hand in my own.

“I’m here, Yoon.”

Reaching out his other hand, I took it with ease. Another oddity. Yoongi never offered physical affection like this before. Looking at his face I frowned. I guess he had no choice at the moment. I squeezed them comfortingly.

“Are you alright?” His mother asked, squeezing my shoulder. “We were worried but Cadoc said you’d be fine with rest.”

I nodded but spoke for Yoongi’s benefit.

“I’m fine,” I whispered. I understood Thelma’s hesitance to break the silence. It could bring more unknowns and that was a frightening idea. “Physically speaking. I don’t really know outside of that.”

Yoongi’s grip on my hands tightened.

“How are you feeling, Yoon?” I asked him.

He shook his head, “I’m scared.”

I inched closer to him. Our knees touched, both of us kneeling on the floor, and I took one of my hands back. I smoothed down his bed-head and caressed his cheek. He reminded me of the little boy from the meadow who cried when he saw bees. I felt the tears falling from my eyes and surrendered to my pain. I could cry, if only a little bit, right now. Yoongi would always catch my tears.

“Me too,” I admitted, voice so soft I was not sure if anyone heard me.

“Thelma told us about your visions,” I heard Hoji say. “We’re all sorry you had to deal with this alone.”

I shook my head, the force of my guilt rearing its ugly head.

“I saw nothing. I knew something bad was happening, but I was blind and stupid. I should have said something. I should have-”

“We are all responsible,” Thelma interrupted. “I take full responsibility for you keeping your mouth shut. It was my choice to do so because of my own certainty. I should have known better than to assume anything.”

“And we all knew you were lying about Aldara’s book,” Yoona chimed in. “All of us knew you were hiding something, Thelma. If we’re playing the blame game then you can charge us all.”

“But Cordelia,” I choked.

“It’s not your fault,” Wendy cried, her voice small and weak.

Turning to look at her, I knew I was doing a horrible job at keeping everything at bay. My heartache was too much and everything felt like it was closing in on me. I would have to tell Jimin that I lied to him. I’d have to tell him his village was in ruin because of me. I’d have to become a traitor now. Taehyung might as well throw me to the elves because of my mistakes. And yet, I knew they would not. Taehyung would be understanding, his comfort a warm blanket around me. Sol would be happy it led her mate back to her and so things would naturally become alright between us. Jimin adored me, but would he be able to look at me the same way?

“The elves were coming,” Hoji said, her voice frail and hoarse. “They would have attacked regardless of you telling these people anything. It wasn’t like any of you were on good terms. They probably would have attacked you the moment you stepped foot into this place. Lord knows those wolves would have had a fight on their hands.”

I tried to let the words sink in and ease my guilt. It never happened. Having had enough of this pity party, I took a deep breath and readied for my next plan. I had to see Jimin and he was with Taehyung at the palace.

“I’m going to check on the others,” My voice was stronger than I felt. “I came here straight away and I think Jimin will worry if he sees me missing.”

Thelma nodded, “Will you be back?”

“Later,” I assured her.

Callisto had made herself scarce. The human girl was nowhere in sight, but I shrugged it off. She may have known we would need some space. Saying my brief goodbyes, I went out of the front door. The brunette was out here and talking with a young man.

He was huge, towering over the tiny woman, his muscles massive and bulging. He was very tanned, skin reminding me of a bronze medal, that contrasted completely with his light hair. It was a strange mixture of colors ranging from a taupe brown, gentle great, and stark white. Cropped short and slicked back from his face, the man smiled down at Callisto and it stopped me dead in my tracks. His smile was wide, his teeth perfectly straight, and a small dimple appeared on his left cheek. The way his eyes smiled with him made me want to run as fast as I could toward the palace. I was looking at Jimin’s younger brother who looked everything and nothing like him.

Seeming to notice me, the wolf’s attention snapped to me straight away. Callisto, following his gaze, gave me a blinding smile. Outside, her eyes looked more blue than they had before and I belatedly realized they were a strange hazel. The man still seemed weary of me but did not immediately question why I was at his house.

“Birdie?” He called out, his voice deeper and rougher than Jimin’s. His eyes were also lighter, a strange greenish-brown. “What are you doing here?”

I guessed he had little reason to go to the medical ward recently. From the look on Callisto’s face, she was agitated with him and the way he was speaking. I quickly put things together from there. Jimin’s brother had always known about us, even before we had gotten together, but that did not mean anyone else had. Out here things were much more likely to be overheard. I was filled with gratitude at the small gesture even if I thought it was no longer necessary. Taehyung was horrible at keeping his mouth shut and my entire family would think it odd to hide something this important. Jimin himself may want to announce it in order to establish a connection between wolves and witches.

“I needed to see them before going to the palace,” I replied. “You must be Jihyun, then?”

He nodded, a small smile on his face. He was looking me up and down and I felt self conscious. I had yet to see myself in a mirror though I doubted I looked presentable. Callisto slapped his chest this time and hissed at him to stop. I chuckled.

“Jimin spoke about you a lot,” I continued.

Jihyun looked away bashfully. “I’ve heard plenty about you as well.”

“You should be going,” Callisto said, giving her mate a look. “My brother is going to be so happy to see you up and walking around.”

Jihyun laughed at this and I felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me. Biting my lip, I nodded and started walking again. Callisto again hit the wolf and chastised him for being “such a boy.” I laughed gently and met Jihyun’s melodramatic pout with a grin. 

“I swear,” She groaned. “You’re always so unencumbered by the thought process.”

Jihyun laughed, “Don’t start pulling out the Namjoon insults on me.”

She rolled her eyes, “If you were Namjoon, I’d been far more likely to punch you in the face. Broken hand be damned.”

The two of them faded as I got further away. They were an odd couple. Obviously very much in love, and childish to an extent, but it still brought a smile to my face. At least two of us could find a sense of humor right now. At least they still had each other. I hoped their mother was fine, but I had yet to see her.

A few villagers were beginning to move debris from the roads and put back together a few small buildings. I saw Namjoon amongst the builders and kept walking. I had little to say to the wolf right now and he was busy. Up ahead, Jungkook was throwing things out. It was a rare occurrence to see the omega outside of the palace’s heavily guarded walls, even rarer still away from Sol’s side, but I could imagine they had some distance now that Taehyung was back home. Jungkook no longer needed to shadow and protect Sol anymore. 

I wondered about Hoseok and Hyuna. I trusted Shiloh to heal him, but I had heard nothing about them since I woke up. The witches would have known something, but I was not sure if they would have been thinking of my friends. They were nothing to any of them so the news would be tragic but nothing worth mentioning. 

I climbed the hill to get to the palace with great care. I would have liked to use magic but I was respecting Cadoc’s wishes. No magic unless necessary. It would be for the best. I remembered the conversation the elves were having in the forest and quickened my steps. If they were going to attack Northorn and then four days later come back to Bangtan I needed to know if a siege was already underway. I would use nothing, I decided, my magic would be for fighting purposes only.

Someone spotted me climbing and came to my aid immediately. The young woman shifted, her gray and brown fur looked pretty in the sun, and offered her back to me. The rest of the way up, which would have taken me at least fifteen minutes, was spanned in three. The wolf girl was massive.

She let me down before making her way back down the hill. She had to have been helping the others dealing with the destruction and I felt bad for taking her away from her duties. The girl had not seemed to mind, however, so I decided to let it go. I had far more pressing matters to attend to anyway.

There were a few wolves guarding the outside of the palace. One of them looked at me, but paid little attention once they recognized me. I was able to walk inside without a hitch, the doors to the palace heavy and loud. 

The air still smelled of soot, and I was thrust into a swarm of people running around the palace floors. I had only been here during the night and never saw the help that shuffled through the halls. Now, that help was busy scrubbing walls, cleaning fabrics, and grabbing documents. Wrinkling my nose, I did not expect the level of disgust I felt. These people should be taking care of their homes- not polishing these stone floors.

“Can I help you?” I heard a gentle voice call out to me.

She was a large woman, three heads bigger than me, and built like a bear. Her body was muscular and broad, and I found her short, silky, black hair beautiful. Giving me a small smile, her smile lines and wrinkles revealed her to be older than most in the village. I was happy she had survived the fight. Many of the elderly would not.

“I’m looking for Alpha Jimin,” I replied.

The woman nodded, her face grim and evenly set. I had a feeling I would not be seeing him anytime soon. Figuring I would exhaust all of my options before letting her lead me out, I introduced myself as well as my title. The maid jumped, her fear palpable, and a pang of anger hit me. What had they done to this woman?

“I’m so sorry,” She rushed, her eyes pleading. “I did not know.”

I waved away her concerns.

“There’s no crime,” I soothed. She visibly relaxed and I grit my teeth. I would need to discuss this with Taehyung. No one would be made to fear me so long as I had anything to say about it. “Please, I need to see him.”

She nodded, “Of course, Uxor Park.”

“Excuse me?”

Seemingly embarrassed, the woman tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. She started walking up the grand staircase and I followed her closely. 

“My apologies,” She spoke once we were at the top. She kept her voice low and I struggled to hear her. “Alpha Jimin has announced to the elders of your bond, but I forgot you have been recovering from battle. Uxor is the word for wife and will be what you are called from this moment forward.”

I frowned, “What’s your name?”

“Sloan, daughter of Ammon.”

I hummed, “Well, Sloan, I have a name and I would prefer to be called by it.”

Sloan looked scandalized. I was unsure of pack etiquette on this level. I had never cared much about it before. Thinking about Jimin, I recalled the nickname he used for me often and asked the maid what it meant.

“It means ‘loved friend,’” She replied, pleasantly. “We use it when talking of our closest loved ones. It’s a platonic nickname.”

The word platonic was distasteful. I had hoped it meant something more. Knowing Jimin would have called any of the copiae amica put a bad taste in my mouth. Seeming to notice my discomfort, Sloan smiled my way.

“It is something the Alpha would take seriously. I’ve never heard him use nicknames for anyone outside of his family, and never amica. He might find other words too intense before a bonding ceremony.”

I cocked an eyebrow at the large woman who chuckled fondly. The tension from earlier seemed to be gone now and I hoped she knew I would never raise my voice to her. I would not put it past Ahn to lay hands on their workers. He was a vile little man.

“He’s a very traditional man,” Sloan continued. “He’s been going about your union in the most courteous way imaginable, and had refused to publicly announce your partnership until you woke up.”

This did please me. It would have been unimaginably difficult this morning if the village had known I stole the heart of their strongest alpha. The group of women seemed kind enough, and his family I had met were going out of their way for my people, yet I still felt anxiety. I had seen how quickly they turned on Taehyung.

“Even knowing how careful he is, I'm surprised the bond has not been complete,” Sloan spoke away without much care if I replied or not. I could imagine she never gossiped with people outside of the maids. “He really is such a gentleman.”

“What are you talking about?” I finally spoke again, entertained by the woman. The young wolves always seemed uptight regarding sex and their rituals, but Sloan’s age made her less self conscious. 

“I know many wolves,” Sloan���s voice dropped even lower now. “Most are dreadful mates. Men are raised to believe they own their wives, but times are changing. Alpha Jimin is one of the best men I know.”

“You know him well?”

“No,” She admitted, “But he’s one of the few wolves who have never laid a hand on me.”

Instantly, I felt a kinship to this woman. While I was never hit, no one had ever even thought of laying a finger to me, I did understand what it felt like to be trapped. Here she was in her prison and she could find little solace in her place in society. I thought of Ahn again and wanted nothing more than to kill him myself. If he was even alive.

“Is the vermin alive?” I sneered, anger getting the best of me. 

“Ahn?” She hissed, her fear palpable. Then just as quickly she relaxed. “No, he’s dead. It is only Chief Kim, Namjoon’s father, and Chief Bo. She has been struggling greatly. She lost a child.”

I felt a great amount of guilt again. That poor woman. I tried picking her face out in my mind, but could not remember who she was. There were three women on the council table, but Ahn never allowed them to speak. He must have been one of those dreadful mates Sloan had been speaking about. I never disliked the man, had never really liked him either, but my loyalties to Taehyung would always sway my bias now. If Chief Kim wanted a problem then I would be sure he knew exactly who he would be up against.

I thought of Namjoon and knew my worries would be unnecessary once things started up again. We had all lost something, and from Namjoon’s apologies I would hope his father would honor his son’s wishes. I would have to thank the alpha for helping me during the fight. 

“Taehyung is a good man,” Sloan was rushed now and I assumed we were approaching the others now. “A very, very good man. Sol is lucky.”

I could not agree with her more. After spending as much time with the boy as I had there was no denying his potential. What he lacked in aggression he made up for in heart. Sure, he was gullible and prone to random outbursts that led to nowhere, but I knew what he had inside of him. The way he fought was only one facet of his life. When I thought of his strength the way he held Sol in his arms came to mind. She was as precious to him as silk, and he made sure to hold her tightly enough to stop her from hurting others.

“However,” Her voice was practically gone from how softly she spoke now. I had to lean into her and tap into the animal within me to make out everything she said. “His sweetness will be used against him in these coming months. Tell me, Birdie, do you believe in him?”

I answered without hesitation, “More than anyone in Lustra.”

“Even more than your Jimin?”

I smiled, “Taehyung will give your people something Jimin never will.”

“And what’s that?”

I looked at her now. I had a feeling I would be in this place more than ever, and I would want to keep her close to me. She was a comfort that I never had. We understood each other. 

“Peace of mind.”

I meant every word. If Jimin had been alpha I was sure this entire village would have been to Northorn by now. The fight would have never ended. Everything would have revolved around war. Jimin would give them strength and hope, but his own desire to end things as quickly as possible would place people in danger. No one would be prepared to do the right thing- wait and plan. I doubted any of the witches would be here either. I would certainly still be in my cottage.

Taehyung was methodical. He always came off as goofy or passive, but I knew better. Those eyes saw everything and information was precious to him. He listened to your every word and took it to heart. He would want to be sure as many people could be helped, that those who can’t help themselves would be hidden, and look at every avenue of support he could. He was able to get around my love’s vital flaw- pride. Taehyung had plenty of it, but he was as humble as they come. I smiled fondly thinking of him. 

I was so happy we had made it through this.

“What happens now?” I asked, a large set of wooden doors coming into view as we turned into a quiet hallway.

“You will meet with the council as a new Oxur,” Sloan began, a professionalism in her voice that had faded as we spoke now back. I could sense her nerves as we got closer to the room. “After that you will begin planning your wedding. Of course, with everything going on that may be postponed or rushed. You and Bo will discuss your options at some point.

“You will live in this palace as things play out. You and Jimin will not be permitted to be alone together without a chaperone present. Again, things might be different with the fallout. Ahn made these rules but Taehyung will likely ignore them. He and the Luna wedded yesterday to establish their bond as quickly as possible. Bo was not happy but understood. Kim just wanted to be sure the Luna was feeling better since being near him once more.”

I nodded, trying to keep up. The strange need for virgins here was odd. I had never met a wolf who had actually waited for their wedding to bond with their mate. Hoseok and Hyuna were inseparable from what I heard. Sol and Taehyung had no choice, but from her reaction to him I was sure they would be on one another the second the were alone. Jimin, however, had kept his distance. I smiled. He was trying to protect my honor, even if I thought the whole process was dripping in misogyny.

“Neither of them are angry about your union,” She continued, speaking quickly. “In fact, Chief Kim was quite pleased. He believes your children will be very strong and that will be vital if this war continues.

“You and Jimin must meet with his family to discuss arrangements after the wedding. Oftentimes, a woman will be asked to become a servant to the family for the first year of marriage in exchange for a lifetime of loyalty. Mi-Jeong will not do that to you. She is a very good, strong woman and will be happy you have made her son happy.

“I will say that she can be a wildcard. Quick tempered and straight to the point. I adore her but she can come off abrasive. It’s why she and your sister-in-law get along so well. You must call them your mater and glos until they say otherwise. Again, I don’t believe they are too concerned with this but it will be helpful in showing respect.”

I struggled to keep up with the rules. Was this what Sol had been taught her entire life? I scoffed. Taehyung could care less about how “lady like” the girl was, and I was sure Jimin cared even less about my own manners. All of this shit was made by some man who wanted to control every aspect of his peoples’ lives. Sloan grinned at me. I doubted she saw the need for these ideals either.

“The most important thing will be your intentions. You will be one of the most important women in the village now, and everyone will have to trust and respect you for this to ever work. I believe many see what you have done for us and will be easily swayed. I cannot promise all will be satisfied, but this war is more important than petty things like this.”

I could only pray Sloan was right. Reaching the door, Sloan gestured for me to be quiet as she knocked. The gentle chatter inside ceased. After announcing my presence, the room exploded. I grinned when I heard Sol’s voice over them all begging to be the one to greet me. 

“I need to apologize,” She stated, already deciding she had won this fight. “Besides, you’ve both had her long enough.”

The door opened with a loud whoosh. The heavy doors seemed to weigh nothing under the Luna’s hands. Sol was glowing, her golden skin plump and dewy, and I saw the sparkle back in her brown eyes. A huge smile on her face, Sol wasted little time running into my body, her arms wrapping around me tightly. I hugged the girl back, my face hot from the attention. Sloan stood beside us and did not utter a word.

I would be fixing that.

“I’m so sorry,” Sol exclaimed, practically shaking in her excitement. She was so happy, so overjoyed that it was difficult to believe a war was happening in Lustra. I wondered just how sheltered she was being in here. “I can’t believe I scratched you.”

I scoffed, “There’s nothing to forgive. That was the least important thing that happened.”

Sol pouted, “I still needed to apologize. You’ve done too much for me to be treated that way.”

I hoped my eyes could convey just how much I understood what she meant. I did not need her apologies, did not want them, and I would never speak of this incident again. I took Taehyung in because I wanted to, and no one would be indebted to me as far as I was concerned. To her I had saved her entire universe. To me I had harbored a fugitive because it was the right thing to do.

“Enough about that,” I waved her off. “I’m here to see Jimin.”

I heard a sharp intake of breath, but shrugged it off. I hadn’t said anything wrong according to our relationship. If Jimin had an issue, then we would talk about it. Until then, I was unbothered by the thoughts of others. 

“I’d like to be excused now.”

Sol was momentarily forgotten as she clung to my side. He was so tired. His voice was rugged and slow and so, so defeated. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and kiss his nose. I knew that would be too far in this place, but I did untangle myself from Sol to get closer to him.

“After,” The deep, masculine voice was not to be argued with. “It will only take a few moments, Alpha.”

Finally stepping into the room, I felt better with Jimin in sight. His hair was tied back so I could see his wilted expression with full clarity. There would be no hiding from me right now. I wanted to rush to his side and let him know that I was fine. Catching Taehyung’s eyes, I held myself back. This would be quick.

Raising to his feet, Taehyung bowed to me. I bowed back, knowing that we would not hug again. It was disrespectful to do so, and he would want to be sure his mate would be comfortable with that level of familiarity.

Jimin stayed seated but his eyes never left me. This would be difficult for him. The two of us had gone through hell a few days ago, and I had not held him since. A gentle voice called out to me.

“It’s so wonderful to see you alive Birdie,” An elderly woman, who I could only guess was Chief Bo, greeted. “The Council was beginning to worry.”

I gave the woman a small smile.

“I am quite well,” I assured. 

“We are grateful for your service,” The voice from before said.

Turning around, I was greeted by an older man. His hair was going gray and lines had become more pronounced. It took one look to know this was Namjoon’s father. They shared the same mono-lidded eyes, both of them just as serious and stoic as the other, but that was where the similarities ended. I could only imagine how his mother looked and the strength of those genes.

“I don’t believe we have had the pleasure of a formal introduction,” Chief Kim approached and bowed deeply. I returned the gesture. 

“I am Kim Yong-Seok, Namjoon’s father. I’ve served this council since the time of the previous Birdie, and I am honored to have fought alongside you.”

“I am Y/N,” I replied. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Chief Kim.”

The man sat down in one of the many chairs in the room. There was a large table in the middle of it all, but no one seemed interested in the papers on it. I stayed standing. I had not noticed Sol’s return to the room and grinned. She was curled in Taehyung’s lap not listening to a word we were saying. I was very jealous and my patience was thinning. Jimin had still not said a word.

“I would like to tell you how much I appreciate you for taking Alpha Taehyung in,” The Chief continued. “My son was not acting rationally, and he had many voices in his ear, but I tried to make him see reason. Ahn was the one who took the letter you sent him. Chief Bo found it in his things yesterday morning.”

My jaw clenched. The man was dead and I would try not to speak ill of him right now. Everyone was mourning and my anger would solve nothing. It still did not sit well with me that either one of these elders lived. They could not shift anymore and would be easy targets for the elves. I had heard little of them before and Namjoon had said everyone was being irrational. Not once had he talked of his father or this Chief Bo. I did not trust these two and I thought back to Cadoc.

We had a spy amongst us.

The conversation the elves had came back to me as well, and I knew I needed to say something. Aldara had said I needed to find Naida, whoever that may be, and hopefully it would lead me to answers. I decided I would need to talk with Cadoc about that later. I glanced at Jimin and bit my lip. Sneaking away may be a challenge.

If Sloan was right then it would not be, but Ahn was the one in charge of these rules. I did not know Kim or Bo well enough to say if they felt similarly. I heard Bo shifting behind me but said nothing. She did not talk very much.

“I understand,” I would keep those thoughts to myself. “All is forgiven. I actually have some things to discuss if that would be alright with you.”

The man nodded.

“I overheard the elves talking when I went to find Jimin’s party out in the woods,” I sighed when I heard Bo’s noise of disapproval. She was uncomfortable with the way I addressed Jimin it seemed. I ignored her. 

“They were speaking in a very old language that I don’t speak fluently. Unfortunately, I could only pick out a few words but I put things together. They mentioned moving to attack Northorn and 4 days after they would come back to Bangtan.”

“Four days after what?” Bo’s voice startled me.

I shrugged, “I can’t say for sure, but it would have to be if they were successful in the siege.”

“So, 4 days after they take Northorn they are coming back?” Taehyung clarified. 

“Again, I can’t say for sure. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Finally, he spoke. “You’re not infallible. Thank you for telling us what you do know.”

“Yes,” Chief Kim nodded his agreement. “We will have to prepare. The attack on Northorn began last night.”

Chief Kim stood, his intimidating figure tall enough to reach the ceiling. He looked past me, obviously to the other Chief, and they had some kind of silent conversation. My eyes stayed on Jimin now. I knew this meeting would be over soon.

“I think it would be best if Oxur Park stayed in her own suite,” I heard Bo say.

I did not like that woman.

“I agree,” Chief Kim replied.

I did not like him either.

“They should be separated until their union,” She continued. “The witch needs to learn proper etiquette before touching the Alpha.”

I hated her.

Jimin looked as impressed as I did. With a deep scowl, Jimin disagreed vehemently. Taehyung took his side as well as Sol. They cited the war and bloodshed. Why waste time with these nonsensical rules when we had lived together for two months? I chose to stay quiet.

Chief Kim finally said his peace, “Separating them is not an option. The Luna is right, they have already lived intimately and I will not break their bonds for the sake of tradition.”

“But they have not completed anything,” Bo argued, sending a hateful look my way.

It was obvious she would be someone to look down on me. I could not understand what I had done to make her dislike me so, but I did not care enough to figure it out. Jimin was mine and nothing would change that. 

“We both know that it is not the only part of the bond,” Chief Kim scolded. “They will sleep separately but we need both of them present for this war. Forcing them apart will be detrimental.”

I was still weary of them both, but I was far more inclined to like Chief Kim. Bo was not satisfied with his answer but chose to keep her mouth shut. With that decided, Chief Kim dismissed us so he would have time to think. Taehyung and Sol stayed behind.

“Alpha Jimin,” I wanted to groan in frustration.

Having just stood up, Jimin was still too far away for my liking. Growing tired of holding back, I walked to his side. He reached out and took my hand. Bo frowned at the contact. 

“Yes, Chief Kim?”

“Come back in an hour. We have much to discuss regarding this revelation.”

He nodded, “Of course.”

Just like that, the two of us were cut off from the remaining conversation. Kim wanted to speak with Taehyung about an upcoming fight, and I was sure this would be better with Jimin here. My own selfishness was jumping for joy at being alone with him again, but I was worried how this short break may affect this war. 

Again, this Naida came to mind. Aldara had said I would have to find her, which meant she was not in Bangtan. I doubted I would find her in Moland either. Everyone knew everyone in the swamp and the name had never come up before. Naida was in the beyond, someplace within Lustra that I had never seen before, and it scared me. 

Jimin led me out of the room, and I was sad to see Sloan had already disappeared. She must have left as soon as Sol came out to greet me. Wrapping an arm around my waist, Jimin pulled me to his side and quickened his pace. I struggled to keep up, but I pushed my worries to the side. For now, I would allow myself to be happy to just be near him. 

“So,” I whispered, forcing myself to smile, “I’m your wife now?”

His ears reddened.

“It’s just a formality,” He replied, voice suspiciously even. I giggled at his flushed face and calmed easily. We were just us right now and that would have to be enough. I would worry about Cadoc once the sun set. “I had planned on proposing properly once this war was over.”

Slowing down, Jimin opened a door and pulled me inside. It was a dimly lit room with only candle light and a large bed within it. Fresh sheets smelled of cotton and lavender and I was unhappy with how barren it was. Only two pillows and a thin blanket. I was already itching to go back to my cabin and nest in my thick quilts.

Thinking about the cabin made me think about Shiloh. I had never gotten the chance to say goodbye. I knew I should be happy to be with my mate again, but I was so tired of plastering on a face of good health. A flash of white hot anger burst through my chest and I kicked one of the stone walls. 

“Amica.”

I kicked the wall again and groaned in my frustration. Everything had fallen apart so quickly. Shiloh holding Hoseok flashed behind my eyes and I kicked the wall again. I didn’t even know how he was doing and I would never see my precious little owl again. Another kick. Yoongi was blind and helpless, Hyun-Jin lost a piece of his childhood, and Taejin could have died. Cordelia did die. I screamed now, tears in my eyes, as I kicked and punched at the wall. 

“Amica,” Jimin grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the bloodied wall.

My hands shook and I fell to my knees and cried.

“Fall apart,” He whispered. “I’ll be here to hold you together.”

And so, for the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to sob.

 The moon was high in the sky. Sitting in the faceless room, which I now knew as my own, I stared out the lone window and waited for a sign of Cadoc. It should not be too much longer before I get out of here. The walls were suffocating without Jimin around to hold me. 

He had stayed for the entire hour and held me. I cried until I could no longer produce tears and then I wailed. I told everything then. I told him about my visions before everything had hit, how I had kept things from him out of fear for his safety, and all of the ways I had gone out of my way to keep everyone in the dark. I stuttered my way through the way I fought off the elf, how much it had hurt to kill myself, and the way Aldara looked like an angel.

He held me tightly when I told him about Taehyung and I fighting our way through the elves to get to Sol, how she had bitten and swung at me like a stranger, and just how tiny she was. I felt him flinch when we talked about finding Yoongi and he cried with me when I got to dragging Cordelia’s body from the dead.

“She was so heavy,” I wailed, rocking back and forth in his arms. “So, so heavy.”

He did not want to leave me, but he had duties to attend to. He offered to send someone up to sit with me but I declined the offer. I did not want anyone but him to step foot in this room. This would be my new nest and it was mine to decide what to do with and who to allow. I would make an exception to Taehyung or my witches, but that would be all. I doubted they would ever come here to find me, not when I was so desperate to get away from this castle.

Finally, I caught sight of a shadowy figure running through the village. Without waiting for a signal or call sign, I shifted. My bird flew around easily and made no noise as it glided through the dark palace. I had to shift back once I reached the main door. I knew it would be impossible to open without alerting someone to my disappearance, so I needed to find another way. The window in my room did not open, but hopefully one of these would. After checking a few, I found that one was completely missing from its spot. They must have been repairing it.

Taking advantage of the opening, I shifted and took off to the forest. It was dead silent tonight and I hoped my friends were safe. Patto would be fine but Delinah could have been injured or killed in the elven rampage. Elves ate deer. I did not want to ponder on the thought any further. 

Cadoc was waiting for me in my meadow. The cottage was still destroyed but otherwise had seemed completely untouched. Sniffing the air I was sure that no one else had been around here for days. The others must have thought me dead and left the cottage alone once they thought it was useless. Magic and spells were of no use to them, especially my silly little grimoires filled with potions and strange teleports.

“It’s been left alone,” Cadoc shouted once he saw me coming. 

I shifted once I was close enough to the ground. The clothing spell had been a wonderful thing to know how to do lately. Cadoc was dressed in dark clothes now and blended into the trees. That weird translucent quality he had the first time we met was back. I hoped we were safe enough but kept up my guard just in case. I fondled the iron ring I was wearing.

“What do you know?” I asked.

“Not much,” He admitted. “Samayna is suspicious of the female chief, but I believe that is too easy a target. Lorcan is untrusting of humans, but his own bias is affecting his judgment. Both of them are going to our queen living deep in Moland to discuss their theories.”

I pursed my lips.

“What evidence is there that anyone was involved?”

“They came in through the cave systems. No elven army could have gone through them that quietly without knowing where to go. How were no wolves able to pick up on them? It’s too strange for us to ignore the possibilities.”

I hated to agree with him but I was odd. The cave was echoey and loud. There were few things that could be quiet enough to invade without someone hearing something. The wolves would have been ready for a cave ambush if they made a single sound, but they did not. You would have to know where to go in order to take advantage of that vantage point.

“You believe me,” Cadoc always sounded so surprised about my trust. 

“You make good points,” I replied. “I just don’t understand why someone would use elves against their own people.”

“The same reason the elves turn on their own: Power.”

Elves were disgusting creatures. Aldara had always said a quietus kills for vengeance while an elf kills for glory. Their kind believed in mass genocide and hated what they called “halflings” and “hybrids.” Their country of Etelin were the first to attack during the Century War where they stole the land of Korika from the wolves and foxes living there. Lustra had never fallen but those who once ruled these lands had diminished. Quietus were amongst these populations and a few groups had become highly aggressive towards anyone who was not an elemental.

Those were the ones Aldara killed. She always reminded me that there were good people, good quietus, but it was so hard to imagine as a child. Everything was black and white then, but looking at Cadoc I knew she was right. 

“What did your ancestor show you?” He asked. “The little witch boy said you would have seen her in the spirit world.”

I frowned, “She told me to find someone called Naida.”

I had no idea who this could be, but Cadoc’s expression told me that I should. 

“And she said you specifically?”

I nodded wearily. Cadoc began to pace and mumble to himself. In the dark on the significance of this name, I grew annoyed. I wished he would get over himself and talk to me. I stayed quiet in fear I would say something rude and tried to be patient.

“You’re going to have to go to the Ozryn Mountains,” He finally said. “Finding Naida is impossible without Khione. She’s in the Mountains near Idris and you may be able to convince her to take you to Naida if you tell her of the situation here in Bangtan.”

I scoffed, “What are you talking about? Who are these people?”

“Khione is an elemental who bends. She is Naida’s closest and oldest friend and will be easier to find.”

I sighed in frustration. I did not like being out of the loop and after the day I had my patience has run dry. I wanted to get back to Foxglove and sneak into Jimin’s house for the night. Bo be damned, I needed to see him. Especially if I would have to leave soon. The thought made me want to cry.

“I don’t know who any of these people are!” I shouted. “Talk to me, Cadoc. I’m lost and you’re saying I need to leave Bangtan to go and find some elemental.”

The quietus needed to pause his pacing to stare at me. I was missing something important, but it was hard to explain how little I knew about the world outside of the forest. I found the politics of Northorn boring and talks of war made me uncomfortable. I knew, however, that these women were not in positions of power within the statehoods. The only woman that came to mind was Queen Elizabeth of Northorn.

“You are too young to remember the age of the dragons,” Cadoc said and I realized he thought I was much older than I was. I wondered if I looked like Heidi or Griselda enough to have him confused. “Naida is the mother of them all. She was the first dragon that ever lived and her children are the ancestors of Khione’s people.”

“There’s no Naida living in Alcona,” I interjected, confused.

“Naida is a water dragon,” He replied. “Khione is an elemental who cannot shift as her bloodline was diluted by air elemental blood.”

Dragon shifters, as far as I knew, were fire elementals that lived in the Alcona Islands. Aldara had said during the Century War they had been enslaved and used as weapons of war once the elves learned how to force them to their will. Water and air were far more difficult to control, and we had always assumed they were the only dragons to survive the war. I had never known of these water tribes within Ozryn. It reminded me of the rumors of hybrids living deep in the mountains after the first Quietus Invasion.

“The people of Alcona are familiar with her,” Cadoc continued. “Queen Affra is her godchild but they do not see one another often. Naida mourns the death of her kin and holds a mean grudge against Etelin for what they have done to Lustra.”

I was doubtful I would be able to find this dragon woman. I had hardly stepped foot out of the forest and the further away I had gone was Moland. I had no maps or points of reference to guide me along the journey. Then there was the very real chance I was not allowed to go. Jimin would fight tooth and nail to keep me in Bangtan, and I would need to find a way around him. Cadoc seemed to be following my train of thought.

“Samayna will have the maps you will need for the journey. She may even offer to go with you.”

“No,” I shook my head. “If I’m not here then I want to be sure all of the strongest fighters are. I will go off on my own and write when I can.”

“I can speak with King Hadeon. He can offer up his consort-”

“No,” I emphasize my point once more. “I will do this alone. I can only choose my own fate. If I die then that will be so, no need to pull anybody away from Foxglove.”

Cadoc seemed upset by my resolve but moved on. I would not budge from this. Another reason I could be denied would be lack of hands and I would be sure mine would be the only ones gone. Cogs turning, I was sure I could convince Kim and Bo to allow me passage so long as I promised to return with help no matter what. I could use the excuse of sending for help from Viridi Gramine, but I knew Taehyung would see through the lie. He was another factor I would need to consider.

“You’re braver than you look,” He finally settled on.

“I don’t feel that way,” I replied.

Ignoring the comment, Cadoc continued.

“You will need to get to Clarcton first. There you can find lodging. The elves are still at the northern tip of Northorn to avoid Briar Glen Beach. Keld resides there and he will alert Affra.

“Pack for the cold, buy some clothes, and try to find a guide to the mountains. No one will give you passage, but you might be able to get some help finding your way. Once you’re in the mountains stay south and find the narrow passageway to Idris.”

“How will I know I’m going the right way?”

“Dwarf caves are all over the place. You would be able to hear them during the day. Do not walk at night. You will die. If you’re lucky, someone will be curious and ask why you’re there. Tell them you are looking for Khione. It’s alright to say it’s elves- dwarves hate them more than we do.

“If not, keep going until you see a light in the distance. That is Khione’s tower where the guiding light shines for travelers. At this point you will probably believe you’re going to die, and you will cry in relief. Ozryn is tumultuous even during this time of year. We are lucky they attacked in summer instead of winter or your journey would be impossible.”

This plan was forming itself already. Tonight I would gather grimoires from inside of the cellar and ask Cadoc to take them back with me. For the next two days I would study harder than I ever had in my life in order to prepare for a fight. I would have to pick two or three books to bring along with me that would be my own companions. I would have to get started soon if I had any hope of sorting through my things before sunrise.

“Stand out here,” I told Cadoc. “I need to gather a few things.”

“Heidi would have better information,” He said. “I remember her well from the war. The little girl with her would be okay, too.”

I walked inside and opened the cellar. I would bring along a few of my knives and craft a new one. Thelma’s order for iron had been made and there were two iron scones in my room I could melt down. My magic was fickle and I would have no room for mistakes. 

I took three feathers I found in Shiloh’s nest on my way out.

I found his home easily. Even with the bungalow in disarray and heavily damaged, I could see the care people had took in trying to hold it together temporarily. I did not think it would withstand much of anything, but I could hope it would be enough for Jimin to be safe. Other copiae were in the palace as their homes were too damaged. Bo did not want us in the same place so Jimin had to stay out here.

I went to the bedroom window I had flown to all of those months ago. A lot has changed since then. Jimin was at his desk again, quill in hand and hair tied up. I loved the way the candles lit his face. 

Cadoc took my things to my room for me. After picking out five of Heidi’s books, one of Griselda’s, and two more of Aldara’s journals, the two of us came back to the village. His powers made gliding soundlessly easy. My bird would never have been able to make that work. Along with the books, I also took spare trousers, my jewelry box, and my quilts. This room would be mine for a few days and I would make it look as such. I hoped it would bring Jimin comfort in my absence. I knocked on the glass.

Jimin looked at me and stood up. He pointed to the front door and I walked around the small house. The door was already open and Jimin’s arms outstretched for me. 

“You were gone when I came to check on you,” He said.

I walked into his chest, kicking the door closed behind me, and wrapped myself around him. His warmth was nice and I breathed him in. I would be away from him for so long…

“I snuck away,” I grinned. “I wanted to get some of my things. Hopefully Bo won’t be too upset with me.”

Jimin chuckled, “Ignore her. She’s hurting and trying to distract herself with other feelings.”

“Like hate?” I rested my chin on his chest and looked up at him. “Disgust? Disdain?”

He kissed my forehead. 

“Jealousy.”

He sniffed my hair and stiffened.

“You weren’t alone on your outing.”

I shook my head, “No. Cadoc wanted to meet with me regarding some… issues they were having.”

“Can we talk about it?”

I nodded and forced myself out of his arms. I would never be able to focus on anything like this. I yawned but waved off his grooming. Jimin, like everyone else in my life, treated me like a glass house in a tornado. Normally, I appreciated his pampering but we needed to have a serious talk and it would make me lose my train of thought.

“They believe there’s a whistleblower,” I started, sitting down on his sofa. “Using caves was weird and they’re talking with their Queen about it now.”

“Taehyung and I were talking about that possibility as well,” He mused, looking over at me. “That’s not all, is it?”

I shook my head. I knew this was the part of the night I would have to stay quiet about for now, but I might be able to say some of it. Planting a seed and seeing where it goes never hurt anybody.

“I might have to do something in the next few days,” I looked at my hands. “It won’t be fun, or easy, but you need to trust me, okay?”

“You need to give trust to get it.”

Looking at him, I was sad to see the defeat in his eyes. Keeping things from him had made this situation so much worse than they should have been. Even if he never admits it, even if we never acknowledged this fact right now, I knew him. He was hurt by me keeping quiet and not trusting him enough to defend the both of us. All this time I was keeping him safe without ever thinking about the fact that he wanted to make sure I was okay, too. Taking a deep breath, I decided to just get it out and deal with it right here and now.

“I need to find someone,” I whispered uselessly. There was no one else around. “When I saw Aldara she said I needed to find Naida, a water dragon. Cadoc said that her people would send help as soon as they heard me out.”

“Absolutely not!” He shouted, standing from the sofa.

“I told you that it won’t be easy,” I reached out for him.

Brushing off my affection, Jimin rubbed his ace roughly. He was panicking already. I stayed seated and tried to soften the blow, but came up empty-handed. Nothing would make this easier. 

“Not easy? You’re expecting me to be fine with you going on a suicide mission!”

I frowned, “Do you not trust me enough to take care of myself?”

He groaned in frustration. 

“Of course you can take care of yourself, but I can’t live with the thought of never seeing you again. They live in the mountains, Y/N! The mountains! You have no idea where you’re going. How can I accept that?”

He was right. If he had come to me with this proposal I would be just as hysterical. I feared for myself, it was the reason I wanted to go alone, but the fear for me was hard to understand. It felt wrong to bring someone else with me, though it would help to ease Jimin’s mind. My friends’ minds as well.

“What if someone came along with me?” I asked. 

Pausing his pacing, he started to consider. He was still uncomfortable, that I could see plainly, but some of the tension was gone. I sorted through a list of names but felt uncomfortable with any of them tagging along. None of my witches were allowed to die in those mountains and I only knew wolves who were important. 

“Not you,” I quickly added. “Your people need you right now.”

“Then who?” He asked, his voice far more resigned. 

“There’s a wolf in the palace. Her name is Sloan and I’m fond of her. She can come with me.”

All at once, Jimin was at ease. I smiled. I knew little about that woman, and had no intentions of dragging her through the mountains with me, but if she eased all of his worries she would be formidable. I was bitter about her mistreatment once more. Pity Ahn had died so easily.

“I can live with that.”

We laid in his bed for the rest of the night, talking and caressing one another. I had missed a lot during my slumber and I was happy to get the rundown. With Sloan’s word from earlier I felt less insecure about our snail’s pace. Jimin truly believed he was honoring me this way and I would let him have this. If he would let me leave then I would wait for marriage. I fell asleep as the sun came up and smiled when I thought of Bo finding my room empty.

A/N: Don’t be mad at me!

Taglist:  @greezenini @adventures-in-bookland @kthstrawberryshortcake-main​ @zae007live @jimin-neverout @nikkiordonez12 @canarystwin​ @yamekomz @chimthicc @michiiedreamer​

© chimcess, 2023. Do not copy or repost without permission 

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 3x06 thoughts (and many feelings)

Well, as expected, this ep basically broke my heart into a million tiny pieces- but still, they really did give Arman the best send-off that they could given the circumstances, and I’m so, so grateful for it.

Breaking the recap up a bit differently this week because I have a lot to say about everyone lol

But of course, I have to start with my beloved boy Arman, and Armony. I always knew that this ep was going to break me, and man, they didn’t waste any time doing it… less than 4 mins in and the tears were already flowing from hearing him saying the Reloj line, because seriously, knowing that this was his one chance to pass on a message to the people in his life, and that he chose that??? God it was powerful seeing Nadia and the others incorrectly assuming the message simply meant that he was running out of time, vs seeing Thony's jaw clench on hearing it because she knew the truth, knew that it was meant for her alone. In some ways, it was a “I think my time is up and I'm the one leaving forever in the morning, and that's okay” kind of message, but it was also a “this is me telling you I love you, because I never got the chance before”, and a “no matter what they do to me, in my mind I'm there, dancing with you by the fire.” No wonder she reaches for a beer the moment she gets home, knowing that there’s the chance she will be able to hold him in her arms again in only a matter of hours, but not being able to do anything to make it happen except just sit and wait for news. Well, at least until the moment she sees the report and understands Dante’s involvement, and then there’s no holding back anymore, no more trusting others to save him. Her blind determination to go find him and bring him home is exactly like how she acted when Luca was dying or when Fi was deported; it’s the way she always responds when someone she loves desperately needs her, and I love that Arman is so clearly in that category. (Okay gotta break this up bc of Tumblr's character limit lol)

Anyway ugh the entire time she was at the apartments I could feel my heart in my throat, because god, she got so close. (Oh and the way she instantly recognised the jacket and then knew with a single sniff that it was his?? Help???). But anyway ugh when the kid pointed them to the apartment, and she saw him right there through the window, only for him to be stolen away again in the mere couple of minutes it took her to get back around to the apartment’s front door.... Ughhh these two have been star-crossed from the start, but it was so hard to watch the final acts of their tragedy unfolding. I'll never be over the fact that for days, he was kept in a haze of drugs and pain, and yet we (and Thony!) know from his message that he spent that time thinking of her, escaping his reality by living in the moments they’d shared. And her own drug-induced hallucination of him was equally heartbreaking… god, to see her be so honest and unreserved in the way she looked at him and held him and spoke to him ("I’m gonna take you home, I'm never gonna let you go again”)... like damn, in that moment we really got to see the unfiltered, uninhibited truth of her feelings for him, the truth she never got to tell him and that he never got to hear.

But still, I’d like to think that he knew it anyway, especially when he saw her there in that car– saw that she had come for him, that she was trying so hard to save him, even at risk to herself. (Naturally I wish that we could have had his real face for that heart-wrenching moment of goodbye, but it was close enough, and when it comes down to it, that moment was still truly Arman and Thony no matter what). And while I’m sure Arman would have wished that he could live, that he could have stayed and built a life with her, we also saw multiple indications in the past 2 seasons that Arman knew and accepted that an early death was likely for him, if not practically inevitable, just like it had been for Mateo and Carlos and Bosco. And so for him to get to go out on his own terms, and in the act of saving Thony? It was exactly the death that he would have wanted. (On first watch I was sobbing too hard to notice that he didn't just knock the gun away and cause chaos in the car, he actually also grabbed the wheel and deliberately drove them off the cliff, meaning he truly chose for himself how he met his death). Honestly, it was literally the exact kind of ending I'd been predicting for him ever since s1– both the culmination of his hero arc, and also the ultimate fulfillment of his vow to protect her.  I'm so, so thankful that he got to have that, got to go out fast and painlessly and like the hero he was, rather than dying in the hangar or alone in that grungy apartment, and I’m even more thankful that he got to see her one last time, got to have that final goodbye with her. He died knowing she loved him and never gave up on him, and knowing that his death would ensure she got to live on; and for him, that would have been everything. And as devastating as it was to see Thony on her knees on the cliff, staring up into the sky as everything faded into white and El Reloj began to play... it was also heartbreakingly beautiful- seeing them dancing together again truly felt like getting a glimpse into his heaven, like it was telling us 'This is where he is now. This is where he'll always be"- and though it'll still always hurt to have lost him, I can be at peace with that.

(Though ngl, this ep was full of 'if onlys' that are going to haunt both us and Thony forever... If only Chris hadn't blocked the toilet today of all days. If only Thony had called a different plumber. If only JD's friend hadn't gotten him the arrest report. If only Ramona hadn't put a tail on Thony that caused her and Fi to have to rely on Jeremy for a ride rather than going on their own. If only Thony had been able to trust that Jorge wasn't involved and had called him instead. If only Nadia hadn't sent her the address for the meet location. If only if only if only. The show has always centred around this theme (all the way back to 1x01 and ‘if only Thony hadn’t encouraged the underground fighter to make her own choices, then the fighter may have done what Theo ordered her to and deliberately lost the fight, and then Tarik wouldn’t have killed Theo and Thony wouldn't have witnessed it, and none of this would have happened’), and it's a vital aspect of both the storytelling (because if none of that had happened, then there's no story at all) and also of Thony's character development. But obviously in this instance we all know that the writers had no other choice, and that there was no way this ep could have gone differently anyway, not after the loss of Adan. We know that, but Thony doesn't, and so it's going to be devastating to see Thony blame herself for yet another death, especially the death of someone she loved so deeply.)

But alright let’s talk about who is actually responsible for Arman’s death, because while Thony inadvertently contributed to it, she absolutely wasn’t the one who directly led to them being in that situation! Let’s start with Dante: firstly, I knew it was very suss that he ‘accidentally’ killed that guy in the last ep! And then when I saw the BTS pics for 3x06 last week and saw that Thony and Fi were going to go to the same apartment buildings that Dante got arrested at, it was clear that he was definitely involved in Arman’s abduction somehow. So either it’s option 1, and that giant bastard knew just how deeply Ramona wanted Arman back in their lives and figured he could not only give her what she wanted, but could also use the opportunity to score a fuck-ton of money without Ramona ever knowing of his involvement; or it’s option 2, and he abducted Arman on Ramona’s orders so that she could a) get her hands on a bunch of Nadia's money, and b) receive Arman's gratitude for saving him, which would then lead to his return into the family. Personally I think that option 1/Dante working alone is much more likely, and I'd also prefer it to option 2, because if Ramona was involved it would completely ruin the enjoyment I’ve been getting out of her character and her sibling relationship with Jorge. So I'm really hoping that it was all just Dante’s plan, and that Ramona and Jorge believe Thony when she tells them about Dante’s role in Arman's kidnapping (and therefore his death) and then they fucking murder him for it. 

Speaking of murdering, that brings me to Jeremy Fucking Dolan. (Yes, I literally looked up his last name on IMDB purely bc I felt the need to put a curse word in it). It’s funny, but from the very first moment his character was announced and it was mentioned in his bio that he would befriend Thony while hiding a dark secret, I had an almost irrational level of hatred for him, even more than I had for Jorge’s character, which was definitely odd and inexplicable given that Jorge’s bio made him sound like he was purely meant to be an unwanted ‘Arman 2.0’/potential love interest, which I obviously did not want in the slightest. But if I’d been given the option to get rid of one of them before S3 even started, it would have been Jeremy with no hesitation. The moment he made his appearance, I called it that he was actually an undercover FBI agent who was using Thony to get to Arman, which was maddening enough because she just didn’t deserve to be manipulated in that way, or to be betrayed by someone whom she had been isolated and vulnerable enough to risk trusting. And then that undercover bastard not only uses her, but ends up being the very reason that the FBI shows up right at the worst moment– not only preventing the exchange, but also causing the chase that kills Arman??? I don't care if he was only doing his job and trying to catch criminals, goddammit, I still hate him so much, and it's going to destroy Thony (even more than she already has been destroyed after losing Arman) when she eventually puts it together and realises that her trusting Jeremy directly contributed to Arman’s death. Which is why I’m over here violently daydreaming of a moment sometime late in the season where Jorge and Ramona finally manage to capture Jeremy, and then they bring Thony in and let her pull the fucking trigger and end him. (I mean, is it at all likely that she would go that dark, even to avenge Arman? Well, no. But thinking about it certainly gives me great satisfaction so I’m sticking with it lol)

Anyway, moving onto something more positive– if you wanna find the MVP of this ep, you only have to look at Fi!!! I loved her for the kind and understanding way she addressed Thony's connection to Arman, and the way she almost got Thony to acknowledge her feelings for him. Though I guess in that moment she could see that Thony still wasn’t ready to talk about it, and so she tried to ease Thony's mental discomfort by shifting focus to jokes about Jeremy (gross). Still, throughout the ep she was just so completely ride or die for Thony, like she has always been, and honestly Thony needs that, needs her. And not just for her badass lock-picking skills haha (taught to her by Paolo maybe??). Basically, Thony is like the Frodo of this series, carrying a huge burden and going through unimaginable things, but Fi is like her Sam, and it’s only with Fi’s support that Thony is able to keep pushing forward through everything. Obviously the loss of Arman, the other vital person in her life (does that make him Gandalf??) is going to be absolutely crushing for her, and I think Fi is going to be even more incredible in the coming episodes as she supports Thony through her grief and devastation. Ngl, I already had a fic idea about Fi going and getting Arman's jacket back for Thony, and it makes me cry just thinking about it ugh

In addition to Fi and Thony, I did love the whole De La Rosa fam vibe early in the episode, with Chris and Jaz bickering, and Thony and Fi making a fuss of Luca, and then Chris gently telling them to ease off when Luca got overwhelmed– it felt so nice to have them all reunited again and just getting to be a ‘normal’ family getting ready for school in the morning, and for Fi and Thony to be dealing with problems like blocked toilets and wet clothes rather than threats of deportation or dangerous cartels or the FBI. Chris worrying over missing Camila’s call was super cute too; I’m glad we got to have another mention of her and I hope we get to see her again soon. As for Luca, I’m really happy he’s started school, mostly bc it frees up Thony’s schedule haha, but also because it’s an important step for both him and Thony in moving forward with their lives. Thony has lived in an endless loop of ~My Child Is Dying~ for 6 years, and finally (thanks to her and Fi and Arman, like she said in the ep) that cycle has finally been broken. Luca will always need careful monitoring of his health, of course, but Thony isn’t trapped by his illness anymore, and I’m excited to see what potential  paths that will open up for her. I will always wish that one of those paths could have been a relationship with Arman, and I'm sure she does too, but as long as she finds happiness and purpose, I'll be satisfied.

Okay, so Jorge showing up at the school was pretty great honestly; like he says, it kind of is their thing to just show up uninvited into each other's spaces, and plus I think he actually truly did want to help make the moment a little easier on her by being there and distracting her/reassuring her as a fellow parent. I also loved the sweatshirt mention lol, it was a good throwback and I enjoy that he’s comfortable enough with her to tease her. Just shows how much their relationship has changed in the week or so since he first tossed that sweatshirt at her in a different school parking lot!! And he definitely won points with me here by going out of his way to get the info for her about the legal/CPS stuff without being asked, and though he explained it away as basically just him buying her influence over Arman in regards to the Sin Cara business, again I think he just genuinely wanted to help. Like Arman, he doesn’t get the opportunity to do many things that are purely good and noble, and so the feeling of getting to help her and Luca clearly has somewhat of an intoxicating effect on both men haha. Even with the loss of Arman (and so the loss of his supposed reason for helping Thony with the CPS stuff) I don’t doubt that Jorge will still help her with it once he’s satisfied that she had nothing to do with Arman’s death. But ugh speaking of Arman, the way Jorge questioned her about her connection to Arman… he already knows that Thony’s husband only died a few months ago, and as far as he knows from Nadia's behaviour, her and Arman’s marriage was solid, so it’s understandable that the intensity of Thony’s loyalty to/concern about Arman is a bit confusing to him. And because he doesn’t understand it, he’s always going to view her with at least a trace of suspicion until he learns the truth. Which may even be as soon as next ep– it looks like Jorge and Ramona are going to be demanding answers from Thony about how Arman died/ whether she betrayed him to the Feds/ how she was even there in the first place etc etc, and honestly I'm desperately hoping we'll get some kind of "I would never betray Arman! I LOVED him!" outburst from her that makes both Jorge and Ramona stop in their tracks because of how clearly heartfelt and honest it is. And ngl, while we’ve seen Thony indirectly state or demonstrate her love for Arman multiple times now, it would really mean a lot to me to hear her just say it openly without holding back. Not to mention that I think it would also really help pave the way for her to be accepted into the Sin Cara/Sanchez family, which would make for interesting viewing for the rest of the season.  

Speaking of the Sanchez family, I enjoyed the flashback and getting the backstory about the caddy, and seeing more of the Eduardo/Ramona/Jorge dynamic. (I’m trying so hard not to be nitpicky about the fact that young Arman's hair was straight and young Jorge's was curly, when it should have been the opposite, lol). But I’ve been thinking a lot about what Eduardo says to young Arman in that moment about how the only way to be a good man is to work hard and make an honest living, and I think that before we meet him in S1 Arman had really internalised that, and didn’t see himself as being a good man even though he wanted to be, which is why it hurt him so much to have Thony reinforce that belief during their argument at the wedding in 1x03. But then through helping her and forming a connection with her, he sees that even though she’s witnessed him at his worst, she genuinely does believe he is a good man, and it allows him to start believing it of himself for the first time. The flashback also definitely gave us more of a sense of Arman’s relationship with Ramona and Jorge, and really added another layer to him not selling off his caddy despite the direness of his debt to RK. What Nadia said to Ramona about the caddy being Arman’s dream car seemed to prove to Ramona that Arman still loved her and Jorge, and never truly turned his back on them… and so hopefully her sense of family and honour will mean that she will now consider Nadia and Thony– Arman’s family– to be her family as well. I also really enjoyed the scene of Jorge and Ramona sitting together in the caddy, discussing their business choices/differences in their life plans, and also talking about Arman and his good heart… they’ve definitely both grown on me, partly because they’re well written, but mostly because they've helped Thony and they genuinely care about my boy Arman. I’m sad we'll never get to see an Arman and Jorge brotherly reunion, because that could have been truly great. But tbh what I’m really wondering is what will happen to my beloved caddy now that Arman's gone... will Nadia want to get rid of it because seeing it is too painful?? Will Jorge offer to take it? Will I get my dream of Thony being the one to keep it lol? Doubtful, but one can always hope.... (and I guess there’s always that fic I’ve been planning to write about it for like 3 weeks lol)

Sigh, poor Nadia gave me a lot of feels in this ep. She is working so hard to get Arman back, and handling herself amazingly well under incredibly stressful circumstances. She dealt calmly with the kidnappers (which Ramona was clearly very impressed by... a potential protege there, perhaps?). Nadia also politely yet firmly declined Ramona’s plan for Arman to be basically kept in their home, despite knowing how powerful Ramona is and how risky it would be to piss her off.  She also insisted on being at the exchange to get him back despite the risk to herself (and possibly partly because she still doesn’t trust Ramona’s intentions). She trusted Thony with the meet location, despite their complex history, despite knowing that it meant that she would have to share her reunion with her husband with the other woman he loves. Even if she only gave Thony the address because it meant getting to have a highly-trained doctor there who could be trusted completely with Arman’s life, it still means she put Arman’s wellbeing above her own wants. Honestly I respect the hell out of Nadia, and literally the only consolation I have about losing Arman is that at least I'll never have to watch her go through the heartbreak of Arman still choosing Thony over her despite all their history and everything she’d done for him. Of course, we still have to watch her going through an absolutely horrific heartbreak of a different kind, but at least instead of being alone in it, she has Thony to share that pain with. (Or at least, she will, when she gets past her initial anger and blame towards Thony). It's almost a certainty that Thony and Nadia's connection will continue and even strengthen throughout the rest of the season, and I strongly believe that Thony is going to do everything she can to support and protect Nadia now, not only because she genuinely does care about her, but also because it’s the only thing she can do now to honour Arman and give thanks for all he did for her.

Okay, last couple of things: I loved that even despite her desperate search for Arman and the ticking clock that was hanging over their heads, Thony still stopped and helped the kid’s grandfather. It was very true to who she is, and how she can’t not help the people in front of her that need her. And tbh in terms of TV medicine, this instance actually wasn’t too bad haha, even if her Epley manoeuvre was a bit off. The fact that the man turning to look at the clock helped her diagnose the vertigo was also a cool reference to the ep’s title/theme as well. But anyway the reference that I can’t quite figure out yet is the word Thony saw written in the dust on that mirrored platter thing; I’m assuming Arman wrote it as a clue in case someone found the apartment? It seems to say something like ‘Marin’ which means nothing to me rn, but they very intentionally included a shot of Thony seeing it, so I guess its meaning will become clear in the next ep or two? 

Anyway, this has been many many words and feelings, so I’m just gonna end it with this, the prayer that Thony spoke as Arman walked out of prison in 2x02, because it feels even more tragically fitting now:

Now he is freed Through your blood on the cross Through the blows to your face And through the crown of your thorns that pierced your head Deliver him from all evil From the rigor of injustice From the torment of conscience And from all darkness Welcome him into Paradise Where there will be no more sorrow No more weeping or pain Give him the blessings of the life to come As he enters into the kingdom of peace and light.

[mx-piggy]

i'm so glad that the Ghosts finale wasn't the depressing thing i thought it would be before i went into the season.

i love how, as it went on, we gradually got closure for a lot of characters, like Humphrey getting more screentime (and a chance to get back at the Ghosts), finding out about Kitty and the Captain's death, revealing the Captain's name, the Captain coming out, Alison and Mike getting on with Barclay, Alison finding out the truth about her fall, hell even seeing what Obi's up to.

and there were moments throughout the season that were incredibly emotionally resonant and heartbreaking or heart-warming, like where Alison thought the Ghosts were gone, the moment between Kitty and her sister, Fanny's poem, the Captain's death, Mike and Barclay in the safe, Robin being left all by himself when his friend got sucked off, the moment between Robin and Humphrey, Julian's non-apology.

this show isn't a stranger to emotional moments, but i think that it knew that it didn't have to have a dour ending because it had already given us a sense of closure throughout the season, and i guess it doesn't feel in the spirit (no pun intended) of the show for it to have a depressing ending? these characters are all victims of tragic circumstances in one way or another, be it how they died, how they lived, the mere fact that their lives were cut short, their isolation from the world, the regrets they left behind and have no chance to rectify, the loneliness that comes with eternity. even Alison has this tragedy in her life with her lack of a biological family. so, would it really be fair to these characters and the audience who's grown to love them to end their story on such a tragic note by having the Ghosts lose another friend, or to have the first living person whose ever seen and known them leave them, or to have Alison have to say goodbye to the only sense of family she truly has? isn't it nicer to end the show on a joke that both had me in stitches and also highlights how a character, despite his tragic circumstances, has finally been able to find contentment?

the ending of their lives were tragedy enough, in one way or another. the ending of the story about them never had to be as tragic, and i'm so glad that they took the route that they did.

[alschterin]

i forgive you, for you have not learned of love

demons are of the angel stock. with one significant difference: they know nothing about love. specifically, crowley knows nothing of it.

that's why he calls aziraphale his best friend, that's why his confession lacks "i love you", that's why his kiss is so awkward, so desperate and so, well, so more of a physical gesture than a sensual, heartfelt, romantic admission of love. he has no clue. he saw humans kiss to make peace, to make war, to make up, as hello and goodbye, as "please stay", "please don't leave me", but he has no clue how to do it properly or what emotions to put into it so it counts. he has no clue if what he feels could be love, he has no clue what love is at all.

why?

he fell before love got its deadline. he fell before humanity could develop and put any sense into what love is, be it though duels and wars for the hand of the chosen one, or through the plague of loss, or through poetry.

crowley put his hands to creating a universe, a vast, enormous, timeless, ineffable being that lives and pulses of its own accord. it's filled with opportunities, with so much to learn, to traverse, to study, but most of all, it is, just as him, immortal.

him and aziraphale are on the opposite sides for crowley took care of what is, since its beginning, perfect and, essentially, endless, and aziraphale witnessed the creation of humankind. unavoidably flawed, and utterly fragile. but most of all, finite.

it's been said times and times again that there can be no light without darkness, and no darkness without light, for then, you wouldn't be capable of comparing the two and, thus, you wouldn't be able to fathom either.

love — as much as the life itself, and, strictly speaking, within this context, they are the same very thing, — love can only be fully grasped in the face of grief. life — in the face of loss. pleasure — in face of pain. freedom — in face of a stone tied to your neck, be it proverbial or very much real.

angels, such as aziraphale, can and do feel love on the daily basis. the love of god, the love for god, the love of humans, the love for humans. demons can't. physically. so crowley has no idea.

he only remembers the love of and for god from before his fall, and that love, evidently, was not unconditional. all it took was a couple of questions and an open mind for it to evaporate on the spot, and for crowley to be cast aside, and kicked, rolling, downwards.

unlike aziraphale that has witnessed love — and, most importantly, felt it — through all those millennia of human eras, of human wars, crusades, births and funerals, romances, breakups, hysterias, tragedies, poetry, — crowley saw it as well but could never interpret. he knows he feels something but has no name for it. and no grasp for it.

so when he asked aziraphale to run away to alpha centauri, to abandon a world that has been doomed from the start, aziraphale refused. aziraphale forgave him. for he knew how much more potent and prescious and worthwhile love — and, thus, life — is when it has only a set number of years to exist.

no immortal could truly love their existence without the fear of, someday, being no more. only the deadline of an average lifespan of human beings makes us truly appreciate every moment. "life is too short," they say. and that is exactly the point. life is too short, so we love every love like it is one and only, we live each day — or at least try to — like it's the last one on earth. we fear god [well, some do], but mostly we want to believe in her just to know that this brief and fragile life will not end, not so suddenly. for the same reason, we tend to believe in ghosts, spirits, the afterlife. because life is too short.

aziraphale learned it from humans. he learned to appreciate love — and life — and to strive for it, for there might not be another chance. but most of all, he learned to appreciate humans themselves that, even with the deadline imminently approaching, claw into their lives, no matter how hard or tragic. it is this resilience exactly that makes life so incredibly valuable, and it is something that only humans know of. they fight for their freedoms, even to death, to protect those they love, they sacrifice everything, they unite, they go against forest fires and plagues to carve out just a tad bit more for themselves.

crowley didn't carve out a life for them, or an extension of life, he carved out peace, but that's an entirely different thing. he'd be happy to give up every minor detail just to be lost among stars, beside a being as immortal and timeless as he is himself, but the little details are precisely what makes every day make sense: a glorious sunrise, a choir of birds outside your windows, a scrumptious lunch, a worn out book, dust dancing in rays of sunshine, elegant clothing, refined taste of wine, the time spent with a very short-lived gentle creature, such as a cat or a dog, so you can appreciate the wonders of life just a bit more, while unavoidably getting closer to end every passing day.

crowley wasn't willing to fight for a mortal world, not as hard anyway, because he never really grasped its significance. aziraphale did. and forgave him for not understanding.

perhaps, he wanted crowley to be named angel again so he can, again, feel that love. so he could finally recognize just what is so special about this damned little earth aziraphale holds so dear, and these damned fragile and finite creatures that know of love more than god.

[aeruthien]

Thank you @join-the-club-weve-got-jackets for tagging me! I'll just do all of it as well, it's been a while since I've done one of these :D

Three ships (I'll keep it to recent ones, ones on my mind right now):

1) Vaxleth (TLovM). The Legend Of Vox Machina has me back on my bullshit. These two own my heart. The pining. The awkwardness. They are both idiots in love who have too much responsibility put on them, so they find solace in each other. Being able to be silly and stupid with each other makes all the tragedy bearable.

2) Maura x Eyk (1899). What can I say, I can't resist a headstrong woman and her kinda lover who is always on the edge of tears. Goodbye 1899, I loved you while you lasted.

3) Royce Melborn and Hadrian Blackwater - The Riyria Revelations. I'm listening to this audiobook right now and these two are definitely a thing. Edge rogue with his morally decent best bud. Perfect. (Also Royce/Gwen, this is canon and very wholesome, Gwen is the best.)

First ship: I had an awesome Playmobile pirate ship when I was younger! It entertained me for many many hours. But my first ship-ship was probably Kofu and Kiara from Lion King II, when I was about six or seven.

Last song: Fuel to Fire by Agnes Obel

Last movie: Howl's Moving Castle

Currently watching: Critical Role Campaign 3, The Legend of Vox Machina

Currently reading: If audiobooks count, the Riyria Revelation by Michael Sullivan. If not, then The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss.

Currently consuming: Home made tomato soup for diner!

Currently craving: chocolate peanuts

[mythixprincess]

Feeling emotional....

This year has really sucked for me and my family. The sad thing is its not getting any better. It’s like a never ending storm that keeps releasing deadly cracks of lightning one after the other. Every time I become a little distracted or think that I can get through it, something else has happened. It makes me wonder who I’ve offended that they must make my family and friends suffer. Why must they keep calling down one blow after another. 

First it was my cousin passed away in February a few days before my birthday. Nobody could stop that from happening. He was an alcoholic who lost the war against alcohol. His organs were failing and nothing could be done. I miss him every day. 

Then I lost a good friend of mine unexpectedly. He had a seizure disorder but he always took good care of himself. I believe something happened to him before this last seizure took his life. The hole in my heart grew bigger. The good news is that he became a donor, so there’s hope that his organs may save another life. I miss him so much. At the time I was beating myself up. I could have spent more time with him and his loving wife. We’re all friends and loved to hang out and play games together. I never even got to see their condo they lived in together. The last time I had contact with them was back in 2020. The world had shut down and I was considered an essential worker for working in a grocery store. But I know that everyone has a different road they travel when living. Sometimes our paths crossed and sometimes they didn’t.

The most recent death was of another cousin of mine. Out of the blue he was found dead in his apartment. He was only 4yrs older than me. It hit very, very close to home. He was in the Coast Guard and died shortly after July 4th. His mother is looking for closure and hopefully the autopsy will tell us more. Yet again, I had to say goodbye to another family member. 

Then one of my uncles finally revealed the truth that he has been diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. His wife several years ago is a survivor of breast cancer. I hope he can get through his chemo and also be a survivor as well. It’s a little baffling that he has no other symptoms aside from being unable to swallow his food.

The most recent thing that has happened is my brother’s good friend is going to have spinal surgery and it’s unclear if he will come out of it alive or not. He called my brother and his other friend to say goodbye and that he loved him. I’m hoping that his surgery is a successful one and he will be able to attend my brother’s wedding in November. I also hope that he won’t have any side affects such as being paralyzed for the rest of his life. 

The saying is true about an hour glass. It’s glued to the table so we can’t turn it over to give ourselves more time. We can only stand there and watch the sand fall through reliving all of our memories. So far from January until now I have no idea how I’ve been able to cope with reality. All I know is my anxiety has never been worse than it has this year. To the point that panic attacks aren’t strangers to me anymore like they used to be. 

Please no more tragedy. My family and friends need a break. I need a break. 

[nosferatu-pvssy]

What she brought to the world is no ordinary thing. Do you know what it means to create a literary masterpiece able to change the course of events? We all secretly wish to experience something so grand in our lives and she did. 

You see, the figure of the vampire is so difficult to handle. We might think that it’s actually the easiest, because they descend directly from our kind, but that’s what lures us in the trap of writing them with mediocrity. Because vampires are wild things. 

I remember when she talked about Twilight and Vampire Diares, saying that what caught her attention was how they domesticated vampires, something that she could have never been able to do with hers since they’re wild creatures, too much predators to be sitting in a high school class. Not participating to our schools is a very simbolic thing for me, because school is the place that theoretically should shape humans into beings that will function well in our society, to all of us it gives us the “access card” to any context related to our kind. Yes, even when you finish your years and feel like you didn’t learn anything and you got bullied. But of what use would this be for a vampire? Someone who is simply not part of our society? Here is my point: Anne not only has written these creatures, but she has also respected their nature, at least in the first books. She hasn’t humanized them, they are so different that they can’t mingle with us more than the necessary because we’d start to notice too many details after so little time. They can’t be part of our society because they have theirs already! This means that she didn't make them as a vain surrogate of our kind, but independent creatures with their own laws, science, brain structure. What works for us can't work for them and vice versa. This is the point of creation: something new has to be born, instead of just replicating ourselves on paper.

Anne's vampires have dramatically changed vampires' history for many reasons. One of those is that they are the bridge between the original myth of Dracula (who was more beast than man) and a more modern approach: psychology. Probably what made them so staggering to the public's eye is that through these characters we had a glimpse of how human psychology would possibly react to the shock of shifting from humanity to vampirism, how the culture of that person influenced the process of acceptance, how the very mechanisms of the brain change biologically to the point of almost turning you into another person while still being the human who didn't fully understood the horror of being a vampire when they said yes to the proposal "do you want to be mine forever?".

Cognitive change means that the social relationships formed among them will change too. So we have covens instead of groups of friends, we have masters instead of parents and sired fledglings instead of sons and daughters. A vampire queen instead of God. At this point we see that technically they've involuntarily formed a society parallel to ours, which is probably one of the few links between our races.

We say one last goodbye to the woman who reshaped this mythological creatures from the monsters ridiculized by church into ladies and gentlemen predators who elegantly slyther among us for centuries, sowing knowledge and reaping lives. Immortal guardians of art, witnesses of history.

We say goodbye to the original queen of vampires who paved the way for all the modern lovers of darkness, who made it possible for us that these monsters wouldn't be anymore the jokes of nature to run from but our obscure friends and silent protectors.

The woman who gave life to such a brilliant man, Christopher Rice, who for sure her Lestat would have loved and respected. The little Michele, that with her tragedy has written vampire history through her mother's pen, creating the iconic figure of the vampire child and therefore becoming virtually immortal herself.

Anne Rice embodied both the placid wildness of Louis and the roaring murder machine of Lestat. Only such a remarkable woman could catch the eye of the equally remarkable and bold Stan Rice.

Today all of us dark children gather around you, Anne. Despite our differences, the internal fights we have had, with our broken and still bleeding hearts in our hands we are all united under the same roof to cry for the end of an era, bloody or clear tears together.

Goodnight, vampire mother. You are gone knowing that you created a masterpiece.

Anne Rice.

4 October 1941 - 11 December 2021.

[glassartpeasants]

If you don't make a happy ending for couldn't care less you better keep bob with you at all times

HOW DARE YOU THREATEN BOB YOU KNOW WHAT-

Couldn’t Care Less .2

Shigaraki x GN!Reader

Warnings: Angst, death, blood, abuse, gore

~~~

“i hope that blue haired fuck got what he wanted. I hope that handyman freak dies alone.” You say to yourself as you walk down the alleys way of Musutafu. The smell of the dingey and moldy alleyways flood your nose as the laughter of happy couples ring in your ears. 

How come they got they’re happily ever after but you didn’t? It wasn’t fair. You did everything you could to be there for him. Yet he still treats you like shit, all because you cared about him? And then he thinks your cheating all cause you ask a male friend for advice! What an insecure asshole.

A vibrating in your pocket brought you back to reality as you realize your phone was ringing. Letting out a sigh you answer,

“Hello?”

“Come pick up your shit.” Oh, you thought you blocked this fuck.

“Keep it asshole. I don’t want anything that smells like ‘lonely bastard who only gets action from his hand’  on my clothes.  Burn it, decay it, I couldn’t give a shit less.”

“God you were always so dramatic. And there’s no reason to be a cunt.”

“And there was no reason for you to be an insecure dick. You either block my number or im calling the police and ratting on you.” A silence fell over the phone. Nothing was said until you finally spoke up.

“Jeez your pathetic. I’ll do it myself.” He was about to say something, insult your most likely before you hung up the phone and blocked him not seconds later.

“Now he’s outta my hair. I can finally feel some sort of calm.”

~~~

3 weeks later

After a day of coming back to your musty apartment you decided it needed a little bit of cleaning, considering you haven’t been their in about 4 months. You paid up front all the time even when you weren’t living in it. Just in case ya know?

You swept up the floors, vacuumed the carpet AND shampooed it.Cleaned the tub, shower and sinks, cleaned out your empty refrigerator, washed all you sheets and what clothes you left there. It wasn’t much so you knew you had to get some more before anything else. That and groceries.

 After all that was said and done, you sat down on the couch and just relaxed. Well you tired, that was before Shigaraki popped into your head again. It wasn’t a sort of loving way, it was a hatred sort of. The thought of his stupid face made you just want to punch a wall, pretending to be his face.

But you ignored it as you turned on the Tv, hoping that would get your mind off him. Nothing interesting except the news. Always talking about violence and war. Same old thing over and over. Blood, death, tragedy.

“This world is a cruel unjust place. The only way it seems to be recognized in this world is death or doing horrible things. Nothing good every comes to fruition.” You grumble before walking to your room and plopping down on the nice clean and still warm sheets. The nice smell of lavender slowly dragging you to sleep.

~~~

A loud bang hit your door which ripped you from your slumber. You were questioning on checking it out before you heard something that made your heart stop,

“If there’s anyone in the house kill them, we can’t have people knowing we ransacked this place.” You slowly get off your bed before moving slowly and quietly to your window. Your push your fingers on the glass and you gently push it up. Grabbing at the sides of the window you pull yourself out of it, not before hearing a gunshot and a burning pain inside your calf.

“Fuck! They’re getting away!” You could hear them from inside the house.

“Did they see you?!” You fell from your window onto the ground. Thankfully your apartment was on the first floor so it wasn’t a high drop.

“Not that i know of! I did shot them in the leg so they shouldn’t have gotten far!” You try your hardest as you run towards the main street. Cutting through alleyways, going as fast as you can as you hear they’re footsteps behind you. Looking up closely you see a hero, knowing he was your only chance you scream for help.

“Help me please!” The hero’s head turned towards you and ran towards you. You guess the robbers heard your cry for help because they’re footsteps seemed to be heading back your probably trashed apartment.

“Oh my! What happened?!” The sound of the hero’s concerned voice calmed you down a bit. 

“Some people tried to rob my place and i tried to get out of there silently but they must have came into my room and saw me leaving and shot me in the calf!” You wince as putting pressure on the wound burned hotter than hell.

“Don’t worry! I’ll get you to the hospital in no time!” You felt relieved before hearing a crunching sound, you looked to your left and see a familiar patch of blue hair in your peripheral vision. You ignored him before getting picked up by the hero and was carried to the hospital. The blood loss from your calf slowly dragged you into unconsciousness.

~~~

After waking up you notice the white room you were in. It was pristine to the touch and smelled of lemon cleaning products. The bright lights hallways peered inside your room from the crack of your door.

Looking around the small feeling of pain crept back into your leg except not as painful anymore. Pulling back the covers you notice bandages and a small bit of blood that stained through the bandages around your wound.

“Ah fuck that’s gonna scar. It’s gonna be a pain to heal too.” You say to yourself as you pull back the blankets and wrap yourself up in them. 

Right as you were falling back asleep the ringing of your cellphone brought you out. Grumbling in annoyance you grab it and look at the caller id. It was a number you didn’t recognize so you just let it ring thinking it’ll be the end of it. That was until it started ringing again. You sighed in frustration and picked up the phone, not wanting it to ring longer since it was in the dead of night at the hospital and you wanted people to be able to sleep.

“What the hell do you want? It’s the middle of the night.” You annoyed voice rang into the other side of the phone.

“Why tf were you talking to a hero? Did you fucking break your end of the bargain?” You were confused at first. You definitely knew the voice behind the phone. Then you remembered earlier that day when you saw him in the shadows.

“I was literally shot. You think im not gonna ask someone for help?” You rub the bridge of your nose.

“I don’t believe you. You always were a two faced bitch.”

“Oh jesus fuck, thanks for the insult. Glad to know what you always thought about me.”

“I’m going to kill you you backstabbing bitch.”

“Love ya too. goodnight and goodbye Shigaraki.” You hung up and blocked said number. You weren’t going to lie, hearing him spill such an insult and threat hurt you and made you very weary and afraid if he would actually go through with it or if he was just saying that to scare you.

You knew what those hands could do and you knew how painful that death would have been. You were hurt more than you liked to admit, at the beginning of your relationship he wasn’t aggressive or mean at all towards you.  He’d try to get you flowers or your favorite type of drink. He called you pet names that would make your heart flutter and beat, you don’t know what you did wrong for him to change so suddenly. It was like on day he flipped a switch, and you never knew why.

You tried recalling the day where it started and remembered that everyone was annoyed or being rude to Dabi, you didn’t know why and when you asked Spinner or anyone else they just said it was national, be a bitch to Dabi day. You laughed and shrugged it off ignoring it before walking up to your boyfriend giving him a kiss on the lips, only to be pushed into the wall and ignored. You just looked at him in shocked and it had only spiraled down from there to where you are now. 

Something had to be wrong. You knew it, Dabi had to have something to do with Shigaraki’s switch in behavior. You looked around the room for any camera and when you noticed that there were none, you called up the burnt male himself. He surprisingly picked up on the first ring.

“(Y/N)? I haven’t heard from you in 3 weeks. Or was it four? Doesn’t matter, where have you been?”

“Dabi, i need you to be honest with me, did you say something to Shigaraki?”

“Huh?”

“Dabi, five months ago Shigaraki flipped a switch and went from a caring boyfriend to an actually nightmare. I need to know if you or anyone else said something to him.” Dabi was quiet on the other line before sighing,

“About that time range i made a joke about sleeping with you, everyone knew it was a joke but apparently Shigaraki didn’t. I didn’t think he’d treat you like he did. Im sorry.” You fell silent. All this shit treatment because Shigaraki couldn’t a joke. Sure it pissed you off that Dabi made such a stupid joke but you were more mad at Shigaraki that he just treated you like shit instead of asking you and confronting you about it.

“Thank you for telling me. Do you know where Shigaraki is now?”

“He left about an hour ago, why?” Shit. You knew this was the only hospital close to your place and Shigaraki knew that too. You got up from your bed and locked the door before going back into your bed, watching the crack under your door incase the light was blocked.

“Dabi, I just want you to know that i forgive you.”

“What? What the fuck are you talking about-” Your phone went silent as the battery died.

‘Shit shit shit shit!’ you thought to yourself as you beg for the phone to turn back on. But you fell silent as the light from the outside of your room was blocked.

“(Y/N), I know you're in there, open the fucking door before i decay it down.” You said nothing in fear. You were glued to your bed as you faced the door.

But that fear was nothing compared to seeing him actually decay the door.

“You stupid snitch. i should make your death as painful as possible.” he said as soon as he stepped inside your hospital room. 

“Shigaraki, I didn’t snitch I promise. Why don’t you believe me!” You say as you get off your bed and try to get as far away from him as possible. The pain of the bullet would making you wince.

“Why would I believe a cheating bitch like you?” Before you could speak a four fingered grip wrapped itself around your throat. Shigaraki was always fast, you should have known that you were gonna die even if you tried your hardest.

“I didn’t cheat on you!” You try to pry yourself from shigaraki’s grip.

“Dabi says otherwise.”

“Are you really going to believe him?! You didn’t even talk to me or ask me about it! Just went straight to believing him!” The grip on your neck got tighter.

“then why was they’re a hickey on your collarbone?!”

“You gave it to me! It was fading out!”

“That doesn’t change the fact you snitched!” His pinkie was grazing closer to your skin.

“I never snitched, I was robbed and then they shot me. If you went to my apartment you would see i was right.” He said nothing just staring at you with cold dead eyes. 

“Look! I have bandages wrapped around my calf!” Shigaraki looked down before saying something back.

“It was something the hero’s did so they could protect you in this shit hospital.” I was at that moment you knew, nothing you said would change his mind. You shed not a tear while looking him in the eyes

“I wish I never met you. Fuck you Tomura Shigaraki, I hope you die alone and I’ll see you in hell.” You move your head so his last and final finger touched your skin.

The pain of your skin decaying and falling off was much more painful than you thought it would be. You can remember screaming in pain but, it felt more of a emotional scream rather than one of physical pain. but it seems you weren’t the only one screaming.

The sounds of Shigaraki wailing and screaming your name reached your ears before all you heard was silence and saw nothing.

Shigaraki scrambled to try and grab you and even put you together, but your bloody ashes stuck to his hand. Remains of your existence covered his clothes as he screamed in pain. 

“No no no no! Wait please! I didn’t mean it!” He cried as his tears fell onto your ashes, the tears collecting the ashes and forming a grey tear drop. He wasn’t thinking clearly, he’s sorry! He didn’t want to kill you! 

Bile rose from his throat as he puked all over the ground, inches away from your ashes. He grabbed your ashes trying to pick them up to hold what was left of you. But all he got was the remains of your smeared all over his hoodie. He shook violently as  memories of you guys replayed in his mind, your happy face and the way you use to love him and care for him.

But now, you were nothing more than ashes on his sleeve, reminding him that he was now truly alone.

[emerald-chaos]

Already Gone

**gif not mine, credit to the owner below!!**

Oh hohohohoho besties. You are in for it on this one. The other night I had an idea that popped into my head and to say I got carried away with it would be a gross understatement. This is the first time I've written smut in forever so bear with me as I get back in to it. I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. As always, please feel free to send feedback!

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 5.3k (oops)

Warnings: Smut, 18+ (MINORS DNI), language, ANGST (holy shit is there angst), fingering, unprotected sex (please be smarter than these two), infidelity, and I think that's about it? Please let me know if I left something off.

A/N: Thanks to my sweet, sweet friend who read through this for me and helped me fix a few things. Also I take the, MINORS DNI, warning very seriously, so please only interact if you are of age. Please have your age in your bio so I can confirm. By clicking "read more" you agree to this. I really don't want to have to block people.

The cacophonous trill of shattering glass erupted through the space. Raised voices, thick with rage, echoed off the walls. It was difficult to tell which words were coming from which mouth, the both of you overlapping as you spewed out hatred toward one another.

“What in God’s name is going on here?!” Steve shouted as he entered the room, coming back from a late night run at the most inopportune time.

“Stay the fuck out of it!” Your two voices shrilled together as you both pointed toward Steve.

You could feel your chest heaving and it almost felt as though you were foaming at the mouth. Rage was completely consuming every crevice of your body and spilling out into your actions and your words. You turned back to the object of your aggression and watched as he ran a hand through his hair and turned to walk away from you.

“You’re nothing but a coward, James Barnes. A goddamn selfish, son-of-a-bitch, coward!” You screamed with every ounce of energy you had left in your body.

The two of you had some knock-down drag-outs in your past, but it was nothing compared to this. Months of pent up feelings, insecurities, jealousies, and secrets were all coming to a head at this very moment. The last few months the two of you had been incredibly short with one another - a stark contrast from your usual loving tone. Passionate kisses became brief pecks to the cheek, midnight roaming hands became backs set to one another, and ‘i love you’s’ felt more like a habit than a genuine feeling. In your heart you feared it would come to this one day. No matter how hard you tried, how much you wanted to, you were never going to be able to fix what had been done to the man you loved. There was no amount of love in the world that could reverse the tragedy of the Winter Soldier - at least that’s what you were convinced of now.

The man in front of you turned and strode across the room, minimizing the space between the two of you. His metal hand in a fist as he brought it up to jab a finger into the middle of your chest. Pupils were blown wide, what was once a lustful look was now filled with only pure anger. As he opened his mouth to speak, spit flew into your face.

“And you are a self-righteous, ignorant, self-important bitch!”

As your eyes raked over the contorted facial features of the man standing in front of you, you realized you couldn’t recognize them. The man standing in front of you was not Bucky. It was not the man who twirled a strand of your hair when he sat with his arm behind your chair, not the man who pulled over the car to help a turtle cross the road, and definitely not the man who held you in his arms as he cried after a nightmare. The man standing in front of you was a frightening enigma of hatred and rage. This was not your Bucky. In fact, you were almost certain you lost your Bucky months ago.

* * *

You hadn’t noticed the bouncing of your knee until the man who sat beside you gently cupped it with his hand, stilling your nervous movements. It was enough to break you from your thoughts as you turned your head to meet his kind eyes.

“We don’t have to do this, you know. I’ll have them turn the car around and we’ll go back to the airport. We catch the next flight back home.” He whispered in reassurance. Even though your mind was anxiously racing, you couldn’t help but smile at the compassionate gesture.

“Of course we do,” you started, cupping his cheek with your hand as the sunlight glinted off your pristine wedding ring, “Tony was one of the most important people in my life. Plus, I’m pretty sure he would haunt me if I didn’t go to his funeral.”

8 years ago you promised yourself in the taxi ride to the airport that you would never step foot in this place again. That all changed when you got the news of Tony’s death. Your time working with the Avengers was a life-changing experience and it was all thanks to Tony. The memory of him seeking you out to work alongside Dr. Banner in the research lab was one that you could never forget. Tony was an arrogant, pompous asshole but he was undeniably a good man. You would curse yourself for the rest of your days if you let your own baggage get in the way of that.

“Alright,” your husband responded with a sigh as he squeezed your knee, “But please, promise you’ll tell me if there’s anything I can do for you.”

“Promise.” An agreement that you sealed with a kiss.

Mike was a good man, he was someone who cared for you deeply and who made you feel safe. After your transfer to the DC Shield Office, you had sworn off any more office romances. Those never ended well. That was until your path crossed with Mike. From the beginning of the relationship, you were upfront about your past issues with relationships and how you weren’t ready to dive into anything and he simply stated that he was okay with that, that he would wait.

The marriage was a happy one, Mike always playing the role of doting, caring husband. No matter how much you pushed back against him, he was always willing to give you space and to let you feel what you were experiencing. Mike was a good man. But he wasn’t him.

Your gaze left his as your eyes returned to the skyline, the familiar pressure clawing its way back to your chest. It’d been 8 years since you saw him. 8 years since you packed your bags and left the only home you’d ever truly known. Sure, you had this new life - a new husband, new friends, new job with similar duties, but there was still a piece of you that was missing. A piece you knew could never possibly be filled again. You had come to terms with that, slowly, but it had happened eventually. Now that you were back, you knew you were going to have to see him again - see all of them again. While a lot of good memories resided within this area, there was a hell of a lot of pain that went along with it. All you could do in that moment was remind yourself that you were here for Tony - to honor his memory and pay your respects. You didn’t owe anything else to anyone else. Something in your chest, however, told you that wouldn’t be the way things played out.

* * *

The service was beautifully executed. It was obvious that Pepper had poured her heart and soul into ensuring that Tony Stark was remembered as he should have been. The walls of your heart tightened as you saw Pepper clutching their young daughter to her side. Although Tony had made a lot of mistakes in his life, he spent his last years making sure to do good and to make things right. While it felt like a hot knife had been stabbed into your chest as you said goodbye to a once dear friend, you took solace in knowing that Tony was so loved by so many. That his legacy would live on in so many different ways. And that Pepper was there to say goodbye.

It had been your plan to attend the service and then leave immediately after it had ended. Of course, life has a funny way of never doing quite what we want it to.

It was Sam who stopped you first, pulling you into a tight hug against his form as your fingers gripped his jacket. Sam, being the angel he was, never once mentioned anything from the past and instead expressed his happiness with seeing you again and learning that you were doing well. The one thing Sam was not good at however, was keeping his mouth shut. Word quickly traveled through the crowd of your attendance and one by one old friends began to find you. Wanda didn’t have much to say but kept you in a grateful embrace while you expressed your condolences for Vision. In a shocking turn of events, It was actually Peter who was the most difficult to see. The once bright, happy-go-lucky, smiling boy was visibly devastated - heavy dark bags lingered under his eyes and his glow had been severely dimmed by the loss of his mentor. You couldn’t help but cry as you held him in your arms, expressing to him how proud of him Tony was and how he’d told you just that on several occasions.

After the hellos, the hugs, and the reminiscing you had told yourself that was it, that you were going to leave. It was then that Pepper stopped you with a soft hand on your shoulder, a kind smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, and a warm embrace. After a pause of silence, she pulled away and invited you and Mike to stay for the gathering that had been planned following the service. Your mind screamed at you, begging you to politely decline - tell her you had to get back to DC, that you had a flight already booked that you couldn’t miss, that you had important business to get back to.

“Of course, Pepper. We’d love to.”

* * *

The gathering was exactly what Tony would have wanted. It was family and friends gathered around eating and drinking, but most of all - it was a bunch of people talking about Tony Stark.

You told Mike before the two of you arrived that you would stay for 20 minutes tops. That it simply would be out of respect for Pepper and once you felt your presence had been noted that the two of you would slip out unnoticed in the sea of people.

That was 2 hours ago.

Laughs came easy, tears flowed frequently, and stories were shared amongst friends. Surprising to you, it felt good to be around these people again. A familiar pang of home would hit you every now and again as you reconnected with those who you hadn’t seen in years. You introduced Mike to your old friends, who welcomed him warmly and with open arms. What you had thought would be a stressful, gut-wrenching day had actually turned out to be a joyful celebration of life. The day had been progressing smoothly and you wanted to chastise yourself for being so pessimistic.

That was, until you saw him.

Hands stuffed into the pockets of a black bomber jacket, long chestnut hair falling onto his shoulders, and a familiar collection of facial hair decorating the lower half of his face. He looked as terrible as you felt at the beginning of the day. Dark circles had only grown more prominent beneath his beautiful blue eyes and the corners of his lips were drawn down in a permanent frown. You couldn’t help but notice that he’d lost a considerable amount of weight. The once broad, thick man was now far more lean and toned than you ever remember him being.

A breath caught in your throat as the cerulean eyes met yours. Unable to stop yourself, you shoved your drink into Mike’s chest and hurried off to the nearest bathroom. Barely making it in time, you emptied your day’s stomach contents into the toilet. Breathing heavily, you fought back sobs as they threatened to leave your throat. To anyone else, it may seem you were simply grieving the loss of your friend, perhaps taking it harder than most. Oh how you wish that were the case.

You knew it would be difficult to see him again, but you didn’t expect it to feel as though someone had set your entire body ablaze. The heavy feeling of grief, anxiety, and stress from the beginning of the day was crushing your lungs, your stomach still trying to lurch although it had nothing left to give up, and tears burned the rims of your eyes. As you cleaned yourself up and flushed the toilet, you exited the stall to wash your hands and rinse your mouth. You tried to convince yourself it was the entire day's worth of emotions that had led you to this moment. That man no longer had this kind of hold on you - you had moved on. Or, so you thought.

Slowly, your gaze met your reflection in the mirror. The woman there looked worn and tired, like she had been fighting a raging war that she had been losing miserably. Mascara had begun to run down the apples of her cheeks and lipstick was smeared across her mouth. A heavy sigh left your lips as you did your best to make yourself more presentable. A shaky hand entered your clutch as you retrieved your lipstick and applied another layer. You gave yourself a final once-over and decided that your current appearance was as good as it was going to get. Just as you were going to turn around and return to the party there was movement in the mirror that caught your eye. The door was being pushed open from the outside. You turned to protest, to let the intruder know that the bathroom was occupied.

“Excuse me, sorry, there’s someone--”

It felt as though all the air had been taken from your lungs and your heart threatened to beat out of your chest as you came face to face with the man you had tried so hard, for so long, to forget. It was as though you were frozen in time, as if he were Medusa - turning you instantly to stone. Logically, the thing to do would be to tell him to get out or for you to leave the bathroom so that he could occupy the space alone. However, all you could do was stand and watch as he closed the bathroom door behind him, as his fingers closed around the lock and clicked it into place.

Then it was just the two of you. Bodies unmoving, aside from the rapid rise and fall of your chests in tandem. The air felt 100 degrees warmer than it had when you were alone. The silence, paired with the thump of your heartbeat, was deafening to your ears. You were hyper-aware of his gaze as he studied you the way you had him not minutes before. His eyes finally met yours once more and there was a poignant silence before he finally spoke.

“Can’t believe you still have that dress.”

Your eyes blinked a few times, brain trying to process his words and the situation you had currently found yourself to be in. You looked down to the front of your dress and smoothed your hands down it. How could you have gone the whole day without realizing that the dress you were wearing had been a gift from Bucky on your first anniversary? You were positive you had rid yourself of anything even remotely related to him. In fact, you distinctly recall dumping a box of momentos into a barrel and tossing a lit match inside. You don’t remember making the conscious decision to keep the dress, or why you would have made the decision. Now here you were - mere feet away from the man who had put it on and so delicately took it off of you many times.

“S’perfectly good dress. Shouldn’t go to waste.” Was all you could muster as a response in that moment.

The man before you took a step forward and you took a step back, hips coming into contact with the cold marble counter of the sink.

“Thought I’d never see you again. Y’look...different.” His gaze roaming its way down your body once more.

As his eyes landed on the diamond ring nestled onto the 4th finger of your left hand, you felt a lump begin to form in your throat.

“Congratulations.” His words were cold. Inauthentic. “He’s a lucky guy.”

“What the fuck are you doing in here, James?” The words were supposed to be sharp, but instead came out shaky and insecure.

“Saw you out there, starin’ at me. Guess I just wanted a closer look at you.”

By the end of the sentence he had closed the gap between the two of you even more, chests threatening to bump one another. His metal hand slowly reached forward and brushed a piece of hair off your shoulder. The cool appendage felt like fire against your skin and you know he heard the way you sharply inhaled, but you just couldn’t help it. You swallowed hard, head reeling and knees trying to buckle beneath you when you felt his cool palm cup your fiery cheek. It took everything in your body to avert your eyes from him, especially when you felt him even closer than before - warm breath fanning the expanse of your face. Why was he doing this? What was he going to accomplish? The fight or flight response in your body was screaming at you to push him away and run, but you didn’t.

“I’ve thought about you every day since you left, sweets. There’s not a moment that passes by where you’re not on my mind.”

Your eyes closed tightly, tears now welling up and spilling over.

“Everything you said about me that night was true. I am a coward. A coward who lost the best fuckin’ thing that ever happened to his sorry, broken ass.”

A small sob escaped your chest as your hand flew to your mouth, failing to keep it from tumbling out. Bucky found a loose thread and was slowly unraveling everything you’d worked toward in the last 8 years, every step toward progress and peace that you had worked so hard to find.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, doll” Bucky was now fully cupping your face with his large, calloused hands, “I’m so sorry that you fell in love with someone like me - a broken son of a bitch who never got put back together. I’m sorry that I hurt you so badly. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you the way I promised I would. I’m sorry that -”

In a moment of weakness, before he could finish his sentence, you were crashing your lips to his. There was nothing else that existed in your world - there was only you and there was only Bucky. Seemingly moving on their own accord, your hands found their way into his hair, grasping wildly for something to hold on to. As your fingers tugged on his roots, Bucky let out a deep moan into the kiss, sending a shiver down your spine.

The kiss was sloppy and desperate, all tongue and teeth. It was a balance of dominance between the two of you - although you were the one who initiated the kiss, Bucky was the first one to gain access to the inside of your mouth, and you were the first to tug his lower lip between your teeth. A pathetic mewl left your lips as Bucky’s mouth began trailing wet kisses across your jaw and down the column of your throat. The heartbeat in your ears from earlier was much worse now, making your head throb in pain. Every nerve ending in your body felt as though it was on fire and a small voice in the back of your head kept pleading with you to stop. For a moment you entertained the idea of shoving him off and telling him to fuck off, but that was before he started sucking that spot on your neck that he knew drove you mad. It was your turn to moan this time as you involuntarily arched your back, pressing yourself up against his firm torso.

You knew the way that you were tugging on the strands of his hair had to be incredibly painful but it only seemed to urge Bucky to continue. A soft gasp tumbled past your lips as you felt Bucky’s thigh push against your aching core. The sensation had you digging your fingernails into the back of his jacket as you finally released your grip on his hair. Before you could stop yourself, you could feel your hips grinding yourself down against his clothed thigh. Your dress had been pushed up around your waist, now only a small piece of cloth covering you as you desperately chased a high.

“I shoulda never let you go. Shoulda been at the airport to stop you before you got on that plane.”

His teeth sunk into your pulse point once more, earning himself another moan from your lips. The sting was soon replaced with the cool sensation of his tongue tracing the marks he had left.

“I love you, doll. I haven’t ever stopped lovin’ you.”

“Show me,” you whimpered pathetically against his shoulder, “show me you love me, Bucky. Please.”

An audible breath caught in his throat as he pulled himself back to look at you. Your chest was heaving, make-up smeared once more, and your pupils were blown wide with lust. You obviously weren’t able to see the look you gave him, but judging by the way he looked back at you it was fair to say you looked broken, pathetic, and desperate for him. The eyes looking back at you had the softness to them that you remember, the strokes of his hands against your body contained the passion that you’d so been longing for, and the tone in his voice told you that he was desperate for you too.

Within seconds your feet were lifted from the ground and your ass made contact with the cold, wet countertop. There wasn’t a lot of room, objects were scattered onto the floor and others were left to push into your hips with aggressive force, but you just didn’t care. It was impossible to care when Bucky moved your knees apart and dragged a finger along your clothed pussy. The sensation made your head fall back against the mirror with a hard thud but you couldn’t feel any of the pain from it at all. The only thing you felt was the way electricity rippled through your body when he used his thumb to apply pressure to your aching clit. Bucky groaned and rested his forehead against yours, lips slightly parted as he felt your need for him growing.

“So wet for me, just like I remember. Lemme make you feel good, sweets, hmm?” He had leaned forward to whisper softly in your ear as his teeth grazed your lobe.

It was you who reached down and shoved your panties down your thighs, meeting a surprised look from Bucky as he helped you drag them down to hang around your ankle. Bucky’s tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip as he hooked his hands underneath your knees to spread your legs open for him. Another groan came from him, this time more guttural than the last. You felt small underneath his gaze and the cool air in the bathroom brushing across your soaking core made you shiver.

Your hand flew to your mouth to suppress the noises you made as his finger slipped through your folds, running up and down to collect your wetness.

“More. God. Please, Buck. Need more.” You whined, attempting to roll your hips against his hand to find any form of friction that you could.

“Anything for you, baby.” He whispered as he gently inserted a finger inside of you. The two of you moaned in tandem.

There was a brief moment of embarrassment with the way your walls immediately clenched around his finger and the way his finger immediately found that soft spot. It was shortly replaced with a feeling of ecstasy. Bucky captured your lips with his to swallow your moans as he added another finger. The way his fingers were curling and pumping inside of you already had you close to the edge. Bucky pulled back and held your gaze as he added pressure to your clit with his thumb, circling the area as his fingers continued to repeatedly hit that spot inside of you.

“Please, please don’t stop.” You begged as you felt the pressure building within the lower part of your body.

“S’okay. I’m right here.” Bucky’s other hand was cradling the back of your head as he whispered to you. “I know you’re close. Can feel you squeezin’ me. You can let go for me, I got you.”

As your eyes met his, foreheads pressed together, you finally came apart. The white hot sensation tears through you as your legs quake. You squeeze your eyes shut and allow Bucky to help you ride through your orgasm as he peppers light kisses along your neck.

“I almost forgot how pretty you look when you cum.”

You whine at the emptiness and loss of contact when Bucky removes his fingers from your center. As your eyes flutter open you see him push the fingers into his mouth and suck them clean. The look on his face was euphoric.

“God. Almost forgot how fuckin’ sweet you taste too.”

Mustering up all the strength you had, you sat up and pulled him closer by his belt. The two of you worked together to rid him of his pants and boxers. Your hand wrapped around him, thumb swiping the red tip and using the pre-cum to help lubricate as you pumped your hand down his length. Bucky’s jaw clenched as he moaned at the sensation. Just as you were going to leave the counter, you felt his hands grabbing your shoulders and halting your movements.

“Maybe a different time, sweets. But right now I gotta be inside you.”

You caught your bottom lip as you nodded and released your hold on him. Bucky’s hands wrapped around your thighs as he pulled your hips to the edge of the sink. The metal hand left your thigh as he grabbed himself at the base and pushed his length through your folds. The two of you once more shared a moan at the sensation. As he lined himself up with your entrance, your hands wrapped around his neck to pull him in for another kiss. The next thing you felt was the familiar sting of his cock stretching your walls as he slid into you. Your lips left his and your forehead found itself pressed against his once more. Both of you panting heavily as neither of you dared to speak a word.

Following a moment of silence, allowing your body time to stretch to accommodate him, you nodded slowly as to signal to him that it would be okay for him to move. His thrusts were slow and calculated at first, as if he was attempting to regain his memory of your body - one that he once knew so well. You couldn’t help but dig your fingernails into his shoulder as you held on to him for dear life, subconsciously afraid that if you were to let go of him he’d be gone again forever.

“Faster, Bucky. Please.” You whimpered into his ear as you took his earlobe between your teeth and nibbled softly.

A low growl left his chest as he grabbed your hips and lifted you off the counter, moving slightly so that he could cage your body against the wall. You wrapped your legs firmly around his waist, locking them at the ankle. His thrusts became faster, deeper, and it was apparent he had gained his confidence back.

“You feel so fuckin’ good, baby. Just the way I remember.” He grunted as he dug his fingers harder into your hips.

His lips were on yours again, this time tears were starting to decorate the corners of your eyes. The pleasure, the regret, the passion, the guilt - every feeling was building up along with your orgasm. Bucky pulled away from the kiss to tap on your bottom lip with two of his fingers, which you greedily accepted into your mouth. Your tongue swirled around his digits until he pulled them out and used them to circle your clit. The added pleasure was almost too much to handle.

“C’mon, baby. Wanna cum with you. Can you do that for me, huh?” Bucky whimpered, his thrusts beginning to falter from the calculated snaps he was giving you before.

All you could do was nod your head quickly as the pressure steadily increased, bringing you to the brink of your second orgasm.

“I love you. I love you. I love you so fuckin’ much, oh my god.” Bucky grunted as the two of you reached your peak together.

You leaned forward to bite down on his shoulder and suppress the scream that left your mouth as pleasure erupted through your body. The two of you assisted each other through the high of your release and you felt your ass make contact with the cool countertop once more.

The only noise present in the space was your heavy breathing and a small dripping noise that came from the sink. Bucky’s final words before he came replayed in your head over and over again as you attempted to slow your breathing and bring yourself back down to earth. Your body shuttered slightly as Bucky slipped himself out of you. As you sat up, you noticed he was looking around the bathroom.

“Shit, sweets. I don’t think there’s anything I can use to help clean you up.” He sighed and turned to meet your gaze that was locked upon him.

“It’s fine, Buck. Not a big deal.”

Bucky bent over and helped you pull your panties back on before he redressed himself. Neither of you spoke for what felt like eternity.

“I-...” You muttered finally, “I love you too, Buck. I thought I was over you, I thought I moved on but...I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop loving you no matter how hard I try.”

Bucky reached out to stroke your cheek with the back of his hand as he listened to you lament to him. His eyes were soft and caring and you could almost swear he was looking into the depths of your soul.

“I think —“

Your conversation was cut short by the sound of knocking at the bathroom door.

“Hey, are you okay in there? Do you need anything?” Mike’s voice had your entire body flooded with the shame of your infidelity. In one swift movement, you were on the floor and turning the sink on to make it appear you were just washing your hands.

“Y-yeah I’m fine! Just finishing up! I’ll find you out there in a minute!” You squeaked.

Mike seemed to pause for a moment before you heard his footsteps retreat from the bathroom door. A wave of relief washed over you, but it was only temporary. As soon as you were relaxed the gravity of the situation you were in was clouding you once more.

“I have to go. I can’t give him any reason to think he needs to come in here.” Bucky nodded, eyes not leaving yours as you spoke while collecting yourself, “but we need to..we should..we have to address this. Later.”

“I agree.”

“Our flight leaves tomorrow night. I’ll...see what I can come up with as far as an excuse. Then we can put this to bed for good.”

“Absolutely, sweets.”

The nickname made your knees buckle once more as you sighed.

“Goodbye, James.”

You finally tore your eyes from his as you unlocked the door and slipped out of the bathroom. In reality, however, you knew this really wasn’t goodbye. Not even close.